Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Cindy Crawford was my first supermodel crush, if that's what you call it. Back in the day, she was the only person on earth who could make those high-waist 80s jeans look hot.
She still looks amazing (she's 43?!?) and she's recently posed nude for Allure magazine wearing nothing but makeup and soap suds.
And I'm extremely jealous of that lather. It's living out a childhood fantasy of mine.
"This is what 43 looks like" is what the shoot says. Literally. And it's not.
43 only looks like that for women who are unnaturally beautiful to begin with and spend all their time in the gym smothered in chemicals and creams. It's Crawford's job to look beautiful.
That's to say nothing about the makeup artist and professional photographer brought in for the shoot.
If she came out when she was 20 and said "this is what 20 looks like," would you buy it? I sure wouldn't. It would have been unrealistic then, and it's unrealistic now.
Most 43-year-olds I've known through my life are busy working the diner at 2am to put food in their kids' tummies. They're standing all day at the bank watching more money float past them in a day than they make in a year.
They tend to moisturize with dish soap about once a day. And roughly once a week they have the bleach and water floor-scrubbing exfoliation routine which gives their skin the beautiful strength of a dried up river bed.
I still think Cindy Crawford is gorgeous, just as much now as when I was young. But it's an unrealistic beauty. And whether she knows it or not, she's attacking the body images of the exact same women who idolized her 20 years ago.
But hey, with all the chemicals in Crawford's skin, Allure could probably dig up her corpse in 50 years or so and do another photo shoot.
And I bet she'd still look hot.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Gutfeld was born and raised in San Mateo, California. He attended Junípero Serra High School and was classmates with San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds. He attended college at the University of California, Berkeley, barely graduating in 1987 after failing several courses and being placed on academic probation several times.
Gutfeld currently resides in New York City with his wife, Elena Moussa, whom he met in London. In March 2009, Gutfeld was alledged to have fathered a child out of wedlock with an 18-year-old French runway model. He also has been known to belittle the Canadian military.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Seems to me our prices shouldn't be going up at all, even if it's one per cent a month. Have you seen the price of groceries lately?
This is why I keep telling people Ottawa is out of touch with the rest of the country.
I thought good things grew in Ontario. Apparently not for cheap. And I've got no trouble finding oranges grown in Israel and lettuce from California, but Ontario grown produce is scarce and probably being shipped off to the UK.
I blow about a third of my monthly wage on rent and I'm under threat of getting laid off at any minute. I have student debt that I'm desperately trying to pay off (which will take roughly 14 years at this rate) and I've been eating shepherd's pie for 5 days straight.
So give me a break about "target inflation" being 2 per cent a month. If that's the case, why doesn't my wage go up by the same amount.
That's over a quarter an hour every month. By the end of the year, that's almost $3.50.
Do you really think my boss will give me a $3 raise for my yearly review?
Even I'd tell me to go fuck myself.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
That's right. Condoms are just as much the enemy as AIDS. Actually, the Pope claims he overheard AIDS and condoms at a juice bar in Milan planning to build a giant laser on the moon. They're teaming up to destroy Africa.
Of course, the Catholic church has its own, much more realistic and effective method of fighting AIDS...
All you have to do is find him, skin him, and wear him on your cock as you fuck another human being like the animal you are. It's the only church-sanctioned method of protected sex.
Experts suspect you could get up to 200 Messiah-leather condoms from one Jesus every three days.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I hear you talking about these bad times we're in like you know what's happening out there. As if you know what it's like to watch a few thousand people lose their jobs in five minutes. Well, you don't.
You talk tough and I overhear you saying "things are tough all over!" With your cheery little smile. The words squeezed from between your clenched teeth. Even you know how full of shit you are.
You'll never know what tough is because there will always be big government. You're perpetually safe.
Ottawa, listen to me very closely...
You are a spoiled brat-shit with no accountability and no perspective on anything outside your narrow, well-groomed backyard. You've never had to work hard - if at all - for a single thing you've ever had handed to you and if you don't change your tune soon, I'm going to slap the money right out of your privileged, suckling, vampire mouth.
"Even Ottawa is feeling the crunch." That's what I heard about you on the news the other day. And I wonder, did the broadcaster mean Ottawa is supposed to be somehow naturally recession proof? Or was it a joke? Either way, I did not laugh.
You're barely feeling a single thing, Ottawa. You've barely even noticed.
My first love, Windsor. You know, the hard working, rough around the edges gal with the rose in her hair? She's "feeling the crunch," Ottawa. Not you.
Here's some unemployment numbers for you to think about, according to... well, to you, Ottawa:
National Average - 7.7%
Ontario Average - 8.7
Trois-Rivieres, Que. - 8.0
Montreal - 8.1
Toronto - 8.3
St. Catharines-Niagara - 9.5
See where I'm going with this, Ottawa? You spoiled little shit. These numbers are disastrous. I've got two more for you. Pay very close attention to them.
Windsor, Ont. - 12.6%
Last month, that number was at 10.9, so I hope you understand exactly what this means. In just one month, Windsor has lost thousands of jobs.
This may or may not include the entire third shift of Crysler which makes up about 1,200 workers who just recently got canned. It certainly doesn't include what would happen if Crysler makes good on its threat to pull out of Canada entirely. I don't think this even takes into account the tens of thousands of people who have abandoned the city entirely.
Ottawa, Ont. - 4.6%
You've barely felt the breeze from the fallout on this one, Ottawa, so don't act like you know what's happening out there. Don't ever talk about tough times because you've never seen them in your squeaky-clean life.
You're like the bitch in that Pulp song.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I'd love to be taken off any church statistics I might be on after being baptized. I wonder if my name is being used for any government studies or church political advancement. Maybe I'm an "enrolled" Catholic (or whoever the hell baptized me).
If so, maybe we can fight ridiculousness with silliness.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Right now it's as if I'm watching a live autopsy of a hemophiliac and all the bailout money in the world won't stop the bleeding.
A source of mine in the financial world has faith in Ford as the top survivor of the North American auto companies. This isn't hard to see if you look closely enough. Ford is the only company in the Big Three which isn't completely freaking out right now.
GM is the worst. They've even stooped so low as to ask their employees to beg congress for more money. GM wants solid cash to keep afloat and then complains that it's not enough. No respectable business in the world would act like this and it's shameful on their part after being one of the largest companies in the world for so long.
Come to think of it, didn't GM say they planned to completely pull out of North America by 2008? Well, it's 2009 and they're still here, trying to soak up as much money as they can before the CEOs finally ditch the workers who made them billions.
But again, Ford seems to be using their brains where no other company will.
The company has suggested to the Canadian government NOT to directly bailout the auto companies. The idea is that it's not just the company itself which is suffering. It's feeder plants which make bumpers and wheels. And dealerships across the country which are losing out.
Instead, Ford has suggested a plan to give a credit of $3,500 to anyone who trades in a car which is 11 years or older as an incentive to buy a new car.
This is brilliant on so many levels.
Ford knows it's in a position to make money off this. It's good advertising and it puts their money where their mouth is. It's logical. It helps everyone by stimulating sales. It shows Ford is not a dying deer on the side of the road.
But most of all, if their suggestion is carried out, GM and Crysler will be forced into a disasterous situation where they will have to do something radical; become actual businesses and behave as such.
Toyota has recently got on board with Ford's idea and any car company with an ounce of dignity and balls would do the same. But GM and Crysler want the handout because they can't see the bigger picture.
Ford will be on top when the dust settles. At least in terms of North American auto companies. They started the auto industry and they'll be around for a long time to come. It will be GM and Crysler who will end up being Found On Road Dead.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Do I really have nothing?
I know there's things I want to write about. Vincent Li. The new Crysler layoffs. Leonard Cohen. There's so much happening!
The other night I had a dream that I met a demon-type-thing I named Syntax. I was living in a burned out library. So was he. But he never slept. Syntax just ate books.
Syntax could only talk to me through lines in books he'd already eaten. He was generally annoyed that I'd interrupt his meals, but he was helpful. Although he was always very cryptic.
It's not like I'm out of ideas, or even out of inspiration. I'm just out of drive. I need to regroup myself.
Maybe that bastard was eating more than just books.
I hope spring comes quickly this year.