Sunday, March 15, 2009

Suck it up, princess...

Ottawa, it's time you and I had a little chat.

I hear you talking about these bad times we're in like you know what's happening out there. As if you know what it's like to watch a few thousand people lose their jobs in five minutes. Well, you don't.

You talk tough and I overhear you saying "things are tough all over!" With your cheery little smile. The words squeezed from between your clenched teeth. Even you know how full of shit you are.

You'll never know what tough is because there will always be big government. You're perpetually safe.

Ottawa, listen to me very closely...

You are a spoiled brat-shit with no accountability and no perspective on anything outside your narrow, well-groomed backyard. You've never had to work hard - if at all - for a single thing you've ever had handed to you and if you don't change your tune soon, I'm going to slap the money right out of your privileged, suckling, vampire mouth.

"Even Ottawa is feeling the crunch." That's what I heard about you on the news the other day. And I wonder, did the broadcaster mean Ottawa is supposed to be somehow naturally recession proof? Or was it a joke? Either way, I did not laugh.

You're barely feeling a single thing, Ottawa. You've barely even noticed.

My first love, Windsor. You know, the hard working, rough around the edges gal with the rose in her hair? She's "feeling the crunch," Ottawa. Not you.

Here's some unemployment numbers for you to think about, according to... well, to you, Ottawa:

National Average - 7.7%
Ontario Average - 8.7

Trois-Rivieres, Que. - 8.0
Montreal - 8.1
Toronto - 8.3
St. Catharines-Niagara - 9.5

See where I'm going with this, Ottawa? You spoiled little shit. These numbers are disastrous. I've got two more for you. Pay very close attention to them.

Windsor, Ont. - 12.6%
Last month, that number was at 10.9, so I hope you understand exactly what this means. In just one month, Windsor has lost thousands of jobs.

This may or may not include the entire third shift of Crysler which makes up about 1,200 workers who just recently got canned. It certainly doesn't include what would happen if Crysler makes good on its threat to pull out of Canada entirely. I don't think this even takes into account the tens of thousands of people who have abandoned the city entirely.

Ottawa, Ont. - 4.6%
You've barely felt the breeze from the fallout on this one, Ottawa, so don't act like you know what's happening out there. Don't ever talk about tough times because you've never seen them in your squeaky-clean life.

You're like the bitch in that Pulp song.

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