Dear Jackie-Boy...

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with prostate cancer but I'm really glad to hear you say you're going to fight it and fight hard.

There's not much I can do to support you in this except to let you know that you've got all my best wishes in your fight which I'm sure will not be easy at times. If it makes you feel better, I think you should name your tumor Stephen.

Sorry, I have a sick sense of humour sometimes. I get that from my mother.

Anyway, Jack, I do wish you all the best and that you win this battle. I've been pretty critical of you in the past, but you know how it goes. You're a public figure. But no one deserves to be in this situation and I hope everyone backs you up and no one has the nerve to assume your cancer is a Conservative or Liberal boon.

Besides, you're one of the last men on the planet that can successfully sport a mustache without being seen as creepy or scary.

Okay, there's that humour again. I deal with things poorly sometimes.

So Jack. Jackie-Boy. Mr. Layton. Fight hard. Good luck.

Fear & ignorance...

Faux news...

Fox News is 120% stupid.

Tough guys...

It takes a special kind of motherfucker to pull this shit off.



I know it makes me feel tough when I get a couple of my buddies, redneck ourselves up real good with a shitty pickup truck and start chirping off to the biggest black guy we can find.

Of course, when we realize we can't fight for shit, we get back in our truck with our precious vicious terrier and go look for hookers that will let us piss on them for twenty bucks.

Ronery...

Kim Jong Il has vowed to make one more nuclear bomb. This would bring his total up to about seven bombs. Which, so far, are too large to attach to rockets. This would be scary if you were living next door to the Yongbyon Reactor in North Korea. I could see how it would be a little unnerving for South Koreans too.

Kimmy has also stated that the reason he's being so brash lately isn't because of his ailing health which has recently caused him to name one of his sons (no, not the gay one. Or the Disney fanatic. Yeah, that one, the fat alcoholic with the bum hip) as successor.

The fact is, Kimmy has only recently seen Team America: World Police and was less than impressed with his portrayal as a marionette psychopath who just wants a hug.

Kimmy wants the world to understand that he's not ronery, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of Team America would like their audience to believe. The real reason Kimmy has been so brash lately is because he has the smallest penis of any man alive today.

And he sure knows how to capitalize on it. Way to go, Kimmy. You're a douchebag.

Hiya...

Best. Headline. Ever.

Boom...