Experiments in Real 3

Movin' on up...

2010-10-27T08:03:00.003-04:00

Well, kind of.

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here and I'm sure at least one person - namely the one living somewhere in my frontal lobe who seems to steal any serotonin my brain produces during sleep - misses my usual two minutes' hate.

But I've been busy in a lazy sort of way and have contributed a short film script in the new book These Are Not Movies: Screenplays For Films That Will Never Be Made, published by one of the nicest guys I know, Adam Thomlinson via his very own indie publishing house, 40 Watt Spotlight.

So hunt that book down and buy as many copies as you can to show a little love for Adam and all the hard work he's done to get this book out. And to me. Because one day I'm sure some anonymous reader with no sense of humour will file a complaint to the HRC about something I've written, and I have no money for lawyers.

Abort Harper...

2010-05-27T21:33:00.003-04:00

Conservatives, and anyone who supports the conservative agenda, have no regard for human life. Don’t ever be fooled by anyone claiming to be a “pro-lifer” because they seem to fail in understanding Canadian law and morality in general. And they murder women.

Last month, Stephen Harper decided that no foreign aid will fund abortions. He declared that he doesn’t want to reopen the abortion debate, but that is exactly what he’s doing while at the same time sending the message that Canadian laws don’t really mean much.

He’s also dictating who should and shouldn’t live.

From the Toronto Star, May 15, 2010: “In countries where access to abortion is permitted for a wide array of reasons, the procedure is generally safe. In South Africa, infection from abortion decreased by 52 per cent after the law was liberalized in 1996.”

Denying women the right to a safe procedure (the same rights women in Canada currently benefit from) goes beyond a political, social or religious agenda. It’s murder, plain and simple.

Tens of thousands of women in foreign countries die each year from unsafe or botched abortions while people who believe in virgin births and divine resurrection strut around Parliament Hill as if they wrote the book on saving lives.

According to Section 223 of the Criminal Code: “A child becomes a human being… when it has completely proceeded, in a living state, from the body of its mother, whether or not (a) it has breathed; (b) it has an independent circulation; or (c) the navel string is severed.”

Perhaps there should be groups on the Hill wearing sandwich boards declaring NOT UNTIL YOU’VE TAKEN A BREATH!

But again there’s a misunderstanding here. Read between the lines of the laws. It doesn’t seem very likely that a woman will carry a fetus nearly to term and suddenly decide it’s a bad idea. Putting up with swollen feet, a sore back and unshaven legs shows some dedication. But should a woman who’s put up with all that and much more be told her life may be in danger upon delivery, then the government steps aside to allow her to make a horrifying and painfully difficult choice between her own life and the potential life of her child without condemnation.

This is to say nothing of the majority who abort soon after conception when the fetus is nothing more than a collection of cells, a zygote, and nothing more. Which, I’ve been assured, is still a horrifying and painfully difficult choice to make.

It’s not likely many people know where to draw the line on when exactly a human life begins. There’s no fine line in this muddled grey haze. But no government and no organization has any right to tell anybody – no matter what the circumstance may be – that their own life is forfeit.

It’s no doubt that after years of side-stepping the issue, Harper’s decision not to re-open the abortion debate by re-opening the abortion debate is really just the tried and tested ace up the sleeve for Tories for gaining momentum at a time when their poll numbers are falling fast. And the only genuine thing about Harper is his insincerity, not only on the issue of abortion, but the laws he’s meant to uphold.

Just over 40 years ago, contraception was decriminalized in Canada. Before then it was illegal to sell, distribute or even advertise birth control because it was obscene, "tending to corrupt morals." It was decided in 1969 that there were too many dicks and cunts in government getting between the cocks and pussies of the people, and a thin layer of lubricated latex was promptly erected between the two. (Although sodomy still carries the same consequence as using contraception previously had, and is still technically punishable by up to two years in prison because that’s just icky.)

According to the Canadian Encyclopedia, it was decided that “Birth control could free women from debilitating annual pregnancies and reduce the incidence of illegal abortion. It could improve marital relations, maternal and child health, and family welfare.”

It is now shown that legal, safe abortion procedures save tens of thousands of legally recognized “human beings” a year from death.

If Stephen Harper and the Conservative government, “pro-life” activists or Christian fundamentalists want to make themselves feel better about saving lives, then they should simply and without political pandering, or self-righteous religious conviction: Stop. Killing. Women.

I'm cool too...

2010-03-17T07:55:00.002-04:00

"Anything you can do I can do lamer."

Dear Jackie-Boy...

2010-02-05T18:20:00.002-05:00

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with prostate cancer but I'm really glad to hear you say you're going to fight it and fight hard.

There's not much I can do to support you in this except to let you know that you've got all my best wishes in your fight which I'm sure will not be easy at times. If it makes you feel better, I think you should name your tumor Stephen.

Sorry, I have a sick sense of humour sometimes. I get that from my mother.

Anyway, Jack, I do wish you all the best and that you win this battle. I've been pretty critical of you in the past, but you know how it goes. You're a public figure. But no one deserves to be in this situation and I hope everyone backs you up and no one has the nerve to assume your cancer is a Conservative or Liberal boon.

Besides, you're one of the last men on the planet that can successfully sport a mustache without being seen as creepy or scary.

Okay, there's that humour again. I deal with things poorly sometimes.

So Jack. Jackie-Boy. Mr. Layton. Fight hard. Good luck.

Fear & ignorance...

2010-01-06T09:06:00.005-05:00

Faux news...

2009-12-09T09:15:00.003-05:00

Fox News is 120% stupid.

Tough guys...

2009-07-08T08:59:00.003-04:00

It takes a special kind of motherfucker to pull this shit off.

I know it makes me feel tough when I get a couple of my buddies, redneck ourselves up real good with a shitty pickup truck and start chirping off to the biggest black guy we can find.

Of course, when we realize we can't fight for shit, we get back in our truck with our ~~precious~~ vicious terrier and go look for hookers that will let us piss on them for twenty bucks.

Ronery...

2009-06-16T08:24:00.004-04:00

Kim Jong Il has vowed to make one more nuclear bomb. This would bring his total up to about seven bombs. Which, so far, are too large to attach to rockets. This would be scary if you were living next door to the Yongbyon Reactor in North Korea. I could see how it would be a little unnerving for South Koreans too.

Kimmy has also stated that the reason he's being so brash lately isn't because of his ailing health which has recently caused him to name one of his sons (no, not the gay one. Or the Disney fanatic. Yeah, that one, the fat alcoholic with the bum hip) as successor.

The fact is, Kimmy has only recently seen Team America: World Police and was less than impressed with his portrayal as a marionette psychopath who just wants a hug.

Kimmy wants the world to understand that he's not ronery, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of Team America would like their audience to believe. The real reason Kimmy has been so brash lately is because he has the smallest penis of any man alive today.

And he sure knows how to capitalize on it. Way to go, Kimmy. You're a douchebag.

Hiya...

2009-06-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

Best. Headline. Ever.

Boom...

2009-06-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

Flint ain't Ottawa neither...

2009-06-02T19:44:00.006-04:00

I don't have to explain that ridiculous title to anyone from Ottawa.

I'm just glad the stupid ad campaign and patronizing radio commercials have finally come to an end. And just to prove the whole comparison of the two cities was foolish to begin with, I give you exhibit A:

Very real. Look it up.

How they got Dr. Manhattan to model for the Detroit Free Press, I'll never know.

Now that I think of it, Ottawa and Flint do have some similarities. We both have a problem with assholes wandering unchecked on the streets.

Tankman...

2009-06-01T08:48:00.006-04:00

Twenty years ago this week, China almost became a democracy.

On June 5, 1989, probably my favourite moment in history happened when one unarmed citizen stood up against a line of People's Liberation Army tanks and won.

Today, not many people in China know about Tankman, which is why it's so important for the rest of us to remember.

Here's the skinny, accompanied by sappy music from Coldplay and Moby. (It had the most complete footage I could find before work):

If you're still interested, you can find part 1 of an 8 part documentary about Tankman on YouTube here.

Flip floppherty...

2009-05-27T08:33:00.004-04:00

How did Jim Flaherty get his job? Honestly, I'd like to know.

So Canada's fiscal deficit will be jumping to over $50 BILLION from the original $34 BILLION estimated by Canada's money-handler on January 27.

Funny how the Tories didn't want to release that number, isn't it? Not like it's their money. It's our money. And they seem to be more interested in saving their own asses than admitting to Canadian's what the situation is.

This is the CPC at its worst.

I can understand Canada will have money woes these days. I have no problem with that. Anyone who can turn on a television or pick up the international section of the paper can see things will be tough for a bit. I'm not naive enough to think Canada will sit in a bubble.

What bothers me is Conservative obfuscation. Many Bothans died getting the federal balance books to the Canadian public and that's exactly how the Tories want it.

Our November surplus of $800 million? It never existed.

The four years of surplus Stephen Harper promised us? Gone.

Harper's promise to balance the books was a lie and he's going to keep lying if it means he can hold on to power with his clammy, robotic death grip. From what I've heard, that sort of behaviour runs in his family and Canadians should be aware of his genetic disorders.

But don't worry, this deficit - the largest in Canadian history since fellow Conservative, Brian Mulroney - is just what Flaherty calls a "substantial short-term deficit."

Bullshit. There's no such thing as short-term when you're in the hole... FOR $50 BILLION!

Zombicrats...

2009-05-23T10:06:00.002-04:00

Cash is easy...

2009-05-18T08:41:00.004-04:00

Basically, that's what Brian Mulroney said when he was asked why he took about a quarter of a million dollars from Karlheinz Schreiber. You see, he was trying to get back into "private life" and had no staff to help him handle a big fat cheque.

Apparently, all this cold hard cash is also much easier to keep out of banks and in Mulroney's private safes under the radar, of course.

It's also a better business practice to make deals in a seedy room at the HoJo than say, in an office.

And for Mulroney, it makes things so much easier when you don't even have a business going at all.

"If he (Schreiber) had come to me, for example, at the time when I was installed in my legal firm with an assistant and secretary and so on I would have said, 'Look, we are here during business hours and what have you, can you give me a cheque to begin this relationship.'"

Sure, Brian. That's exactly what you would have said.

You can't roll around naked on a cheque. I mean, you could, but it takes all the fun out of it.

Function...

2009-05-14T08:15:00.006-04:00

According to the the CPC, Michael Ignatieff is more American than our fearless PM could ever be, and Stephen Harper is really pissed off.

In a 2004 C-SPAN interview, Ignatieff was quoted as saying "You have to decide what kind of America you want. Right? You have to decide. It's your country just as much as it is mine."

Upon hearing this, Harper showed a rare display of emotion where he retorted: "Nah uh! I didn't make out with Cheney for nothing!" Harper then downed a gritty double shot of sand oil, punched Stockwell Day in the face and sidesaddled a 40 megaton nuclear bomb ten thousand feet to his death over the Soviet Union.

The Tories want people to believe that Ignatieff doesn't care about them. Which is probably true. But Harper doesn't give a damn either. If either of them cared, there wouldn't be any attack ads or threats of costly elections, especially in a recession.

For the past few years we've seen party politics at its absolute worst. It's disgusting. And our elected officials, the people who are supposed to look after us and lead us are too caught up in their playground fights to accomplish anything.

Ignatieff is even asking for donations to the Liberal "war chest." Ironically, their letter (which I'm certain promised sexual favours for money) was titled "Enough is Enough."

I couldn't agree more. Stop the bullshit, guys. Get back to work. Stop wasting time and money.

Assholes.

Never good enough...

2009-05-10T10:29:00.004-04:00

The GOP is playing hot potato with terrorists. Seems that Guantanamo detainees are too dangerous to keep on American soil now that Gitmo's being closed up. Can't America just put these dangerous ~~convicted~~ suspected criminals on an Island somewhere?

Oh, wait... right... nevermind.

Anyway, the Senate republicans have brought in the Junior A/V Squad from the Ronald Regan Secondary School in Feartown, Patriotica to make a movie about the whole debacle.

Wait a minute... who was that 27 seconds in to this epic masterpiece? Hey! It's Omar Khadr, the Canadian kid who's Charter rights got trampled on and we've been trying to repatriate! Ah well, he's a terrorist now, so I guess he doesn't have rights.

But hey, you know what, Senators? I think if you ask us really nicely, Canada can take Khadr off your hands. I mean, I know he's absolutely terrifying in that picture you showed in your movie trailer. (What was he, 15 when he was detained?) I know, he's scary. But I think we can handle him.

But don't you ever think of asking us to take that vicious terrorist, Ashton Lundeby.

He's pure evil. Lundeby sounds like it might be Iranian or something. One of those evil countries that worships satan and speaks backwards and listens to rock music. I mean look at this kid.

Pure. Fucking. Evil.

He reminds me of Kevin Bacon from Footloose. And we all know what kind of shit disturber HE was.

Canada votes...

2009-05-07T08:22:00.004-04:00

Don't worry, there's not going to be another federal election. At least not until late summer. Where nothing will change. Again.

Instead, the Toronto's Luminato festival put together their list of what they think the 10 greatest Canadian songs are and want us to vote.

Isn't it sad BTO's "Taking Care of Business" is beating out "Helpless" by Neil Young and "The Weight" by The Band, combined.

But at least Leonard Cohen is giving the Overdrive a run for their money.

And where's Lightfoot's "Edmund Fitzgerald?" Hasn't every person who attended public school been traumatized by being forced to sing this song over and over in between waterboardings?

Was that just me?

I'm casting my vote for someone else. Greatest. Canadian song. EVER.

All work and no play...

2009-05-05T08:38:00.003-04:00

I've been talking about this working class burden on Canada for years. It's no wonder some of the first school shootings were in Canada. If I knew half my life would be spent making a shit wage for some heartless company only bent on product output and not their employees, I'd want to shoot the fuck out of everybody, too.

I worked at a large retail store after highschool. When it came time for my raise, this one store which made many tens of millions of dollars could only spare a thirty-five cent raise for most of us who were living under the poverty line (after the government tax-rape.)

Even now, with a simple morning routine and a commute, my work day takes up almost 10 hours and yet, somehow, I'm still hanging around the poverty line.

I'm not a work-a-holic. Not for a bi-weekly paycheck. Work to live, not live to work. But North America doesn't support this concept like almost the entire continent of Europe does.

I was talking to a Lebanese cab driver this weekend about his trip back home last year. He said when you go for food in Lebanon, it's a six-hour feast with friends and family, outdoors, surrounded by palm trees the natural beauty of the country. And when they drink, its to socialize. Not to get fucked up and puke on the corner of York and Dalhousie.

A Jamaican man I worked with, Omar, said Canada and America have all the opportunity in the world which is what makes us great. But you have to sacrifice your life to grab it.

This is not the way I want to live. Can you tell I don't want to go to work today?

Insight...

2009-04-28T08:36:00.003-04:00

Anyone else sick of hearing the debate on Insite Clinics?

The debate I keep hearing isn't about law, it's about what's best for Canadian citizens. The fact is safe injection sites work. At the very least they're a step in the right direction.

Department of Justice lawyer, Robert Frater, believes that changing drug laws to accommodate addicts is similar to changing arson laws to accommodate pyromaniacs.

Maybe if we treated arsonists by partnering them with demolition crews so they could safely torch a building in a safe, positive and maybe even healthy way. Maybe there would be less property damage and loss of life in this country due to arsonists.

Of course, that would just be a small step in rehabilitation. (I'm not sure how, it's still early and I just thought of it.)

What it comes down to is the safety and freedom of all citizens.

Junkies are going to shoot up no matter what the laws are. Here in Ottawa, cops don't even bother arresting street junkies. There's no point. It's a drain on the system and their jobs. All they do is stomp crack pipes on sidewalks and maybe rough up a junkie every now and then out of frustration.

And I don't blame them.

If Frater's precious laws prevented me from doing my job effectively, I'd be frustrated too.

So it's time to re-think some things. Safe injection sites keep a majority of the drug users off the streets, at least while using. There's less needles and pipes lying around, plus you're not walking your kids by a dingy alley where Crackhead Johnny is junking out with his sharpened screwdriver desperately looking for a fix.

Safe injection sites also help keep track of the using community. And it IS a community. Once you can keep track of users, people who are smarter than Frater can gather information and try to come up with ways to reduce drug consumption altogether.

Most importantly it puts users in easy contact with people who can help them should they want help. Remember, this is their lives, not yours. And last I remember, I'm free to choose whether or not I want to be a junkie, or a criminal, or a politician. So long as I'm not hurting anyone (unlike most politicians and lawyers) than what's the problem?

As it should always be, but rarely is; the question should be put to people on both sides of the front line: beat cops, social workers, community members and yes, even junkies themselves should be asked what works for them. What isn't working? What makes them feel safer and more free? And how can they contribute to help pay for the Insite service?

When's the last time a politician visited East Hastings to do their job?

Major issue...

2009-04-25T10:41:00.004-04:00

In light of recent events involving Major Michelle Mendes, I want to suggest a book by Helen Benedict. As far as I can tell, no bookstore in Ottawa carries it, but you can still order it online.

I'm not trying to imply anything in this situation. I don't know any more than what I read. But there is a level of curiosity around Major Mendes' death and anyone interested in the story might want to know about this book. I just hope we find out what really happened and how it could be prevented in the future.

Canada is finally making great leaps in recognizing soldier-specific issues. Maybe we could all go a step further. Keep the ball rolling, and address some more.

Tonight, tonight...

2009-04-17T21:42:00.003-04:00

The weather is finally good enough to let into my apartment.

I don't have a balcony, but I'm lucky enough to have french doors which open up over a major street. Most the time, it's a pain in the ass because the traffic is spitting distance from my living room.

For now though, the weather is perfect. It's warm (warmer than a month ago) and there's a cool breeze. It's dark out and there are people walking everywhere. Cars are driving by with their windows down and I'm actually glad to hear the thump of shitty subs in jacked up purple Honda's.

I'm having a beer and a smoke and watching all the people I've hated all winter and finding myself welcoming them back into my world for another summer.

I'll end up hating them all again for the next long winter, but right now, I like everything just how it is.

Thawing and stretching out. Trying to make the best of these short Ottawa summers.

Welcome back, everyone. It's good to be back.

I feel like I'm part of the city again.

Sold...

2009-04-15T08:37:00.002-04:00

This is amazing.

Does it look familiar to anyone?

Medic!...

2009-04-12T17:26:00.003-04:00

In the future, ambulances "may have ejector seats to launch paramedics quickly into the thick of the action."

I know doors are a pain in the ass to deal with, but who's going to tend to the poor medics who fail the landing?

Garrggahhh, quite...

2009-04-09T08:51:00.002-04:00

This is awesome.

Anything you can do...

2009-04-08T23:20:00.002-04:00

"If Joaquin can do it, so can I. And I won't even wear sunglasses."

Is this a new trend?

Overkill...

2009-04-08T08:15:00.004-04:00

I like where GM's head was when they created their new, bare-bones prototype, the Puma. But I'm a bit concerned that it's just as impractical as the H3.

Their joint venture with Segway is supposed to show the company's dedication to changing it's previous gas-guzzling ways with this fully electric, two-seater... whatever it is.

I understand the concept of a concept. GM wants to show the public their ambitious goals. And boy do they need some.

The Puma's not a bad start, either. But when the GM is one step away from an epic fail, is an expensive concept really what the public (let alone the American and Canadian governments shelling out billions of dollars to save the auto industry) wants to see?

Again, the Puma represents goals. Not reality.

Thankfully though, this runnerless rickshaw will never hit the market, because it was never designed to. With a roughly estimated price tag of around $5,000, it won't have a consumer base. At least not in Canada.

I don't think anyone would pay that. And GM probably doesn't think so either.

It's a good start, GM. But completely impractical. The design isn't great either.

Instead of needlessly creating something completely new, read up on what's worked in the past and still works today.

Just some advice.

Caveat emptor...

2009-04-07T08:28:00.004-04:00

BC's wannabe consumer 'informer,' Adbusters has won the right to sue the CBC and CanWest after the two media powerhouses denied the fake anarchist magazine access to the airwaves with anti-consumerist commercials.

Adbusters sums up perfectly how I feel about anarchists. They stand up for what they believe in and will never back down, but they ultimately lead lives of hypocrisy. Adbusters is completely dependent on the system they want to break down.

Back in school, I met a guy who worked for the BC Mag while he was teaching a class on some random Sunday. At first, he believed in the Adbusters messages which is why he really wanted to work there. He also said it was a fun time because their was lots of beer.

Although he saw some of the magazine's bullshit early, he didn't think anything of it until they had to do a photoshoot with a pair of Nike's.

It wasn't the photoshoot that changed his mind about the publication. It wasn't because Nike is one of Adbusters' most powerful nemesis (wearing Nike is the equivalent of holocaust profiteering to Adbusters) or that he was the poor, idealist sap that had to go out shopping for Michael Jordan's favourite kicks himself.

What did this kid in was that he had to bike around Vancouver looking for a specific pair of $160 Nike's in the publishers size. Turns out the publisher of Adbusters has nothing in common with the message of the magazine and really likes sweat-shop sneaks.

Anyone who thinks Adbusters is about anything more than making a profit at the end of the day is buying the hype. Or rather, the anti-hype, counter-hype or any other antonym-hype that piece of shit publication can think of to make you feel bad about yourself and conform to the non-conformists.

Hey Canada...

2009-04-05T00:23:00.001-04:00

Just an idea for that beautiful corn soaked land around Windsor. You know, that place where people are dying for some extra income.

Copy!...

2009-04-03T19:28:00.002-04:00

So glad I spent thousands getting trained for a dying medium.

IBS...

2009-04-03T08:47:00.004-04:00

Harper missed out on his club photo for the yearbook.

But cut the guy some slack. Reports have it that he was in the shitter.

For an hour and a half.

According to NDP finance critic, Thomas Mulcair, he's been missing out on lots of fun things since the last election.

I guess even with a record loss for the Libs, Harper still couldn't get his majority. That sure to losen up anyone's bowels to know that even though people hate your enemies, they still don't like you very much either.

According to the PM's office, he was 'delayed by an advisor.' Must have been John Scotts, Minister of Plumbing. He's always up Harper's ass with last minute important shit.

Seriously, look at the official photo re-take. Does Harper look like he just had an important conversation about political matters? Because to me it looks more like people don't want to get near someone who has irritable bowel syndrome and just got back from a rude poop.

Eesh...

2009-03-25T08:33:00.001-04:00

And you thought you had a shitty week.

Cover girl...

2009-03-24T09:01:00.004-04:00

Cindy Crawford was my first supermodel crush, if that's what you call it. Back in the day, she was the only person on earth who could make those high-waist 80s jeans look hot.

She still looks amazing (she's 43?!?) and she's recently posed nude for Allure magazine wearing nothing but makeup and soap suds.

And I'm extremely jealous of that lather. It's living out a childhood fantasy of mine.

Anyway...

"This is what 43 looks like" is what the shoot says. Literally. And it's not.

43 only looks like that for women who are unnaturally beautiful to begin with and spend all their time in the gym smothered in chemicals and creams. It's Crawford's job to look beautiful.

That's to say nothing about the makeup artist and professional photographer brought in for the shoot.

If she came out when she was 20 and said "this is what 20 looks like," would you buy it? I sure wouldn't. It would have been unrealistic then, and it's unrealistic now.

Most 43-year-olds I've known through my life are busy working the diner at 2am to put food in their kids' tummies. They're standing all day at the bank watching more money float past them in a day than they make in a year.

They tend to moisturize with dish soap about once a day. And roughly once a week they have the bleach and water floor-scrubbing exfoliation routine which gives their skin the beautiful strength of a dried up river bed.

I still think Cindy Crawford is gorgeous, just as much now as when I was young. But it's an unrealistic beauty. And whether she knows it or not, she's attacking the body images of the exact same women who idolized her 20 years ago.

But hey, with all the chemicals in Crawford's skin, Allure could probably dig up her corpse in 50 years or so and do another photo shoot.

And I bet she'd still look hot.

Love you, Canada...

2009-03-23T09:15:00.001-04:00

Greg Gutfeld's new Wikipedia entry:

Personal life

Gutfeld was born and raised in San Mateo, California. He attended Junípero Serra High School and was classmates with San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds.^[1] He attended college at the University of California, Berkeley, barely graduating in 1987 after failing several courses and being placed on academic probation several times.^[2]

Gutfeld currently resides in New York City with his wife, Elena Moussa, whom he met in London. In March 2009, Gutfeld was alledged to have fathered a child out of wedlock with an 18-year-old French runway model. ^[3]He also has been known to belittle the Canadian military.

Faux news...

2009-03-23T08:46:00.004-04:00

Are you fucking KIDDING me?

I just keep telling myself it's Fox.

Greg Gutfeld. You're done.

Remember this...

2009-03-20T08:51:00.003-04:00

I've been wondering how he'd handle the Iranian situation.

I've had my doubts.

This makes me all kids of happy.

I'm no economist...

2009-03-19T08:47:00.005-04:00

But why the hell would anyone in this country be afraid of deflation?

Seems to me our prices shouldn't be going up at all, even if it's one per cent a month. Have you seen the price of groceries lately?

This is why I keep telling people Ottawa is out of touch with the rest of the country.

I thought good things grew in Ontario. Apparently not for cheap. And I've got no trouble finding oranges grown in Israel and lettuce from California, but Ontario grown produce is scarce and probably being shipped off to the UK.

I blow about a third of my monthly wage on rent and I'm under threat of getting laid off at any minute. I have student debt that I'm desperately trying to pay off (which will take roughly 14 years at this rate) and I've been eating shepherd's pie for 5 days straight.

So give me a break about "target inflation" being 2 per cent a month. If that's the case, why doesn't my wage go up by the same amount.

That's over a quarter an hour every month. By the end of the year, that's almost $3.50.

Do you really think my boss will give me a $3 raise for my yearly review?

Even I'd tell me to go fuck myself.

Lord of latex...

2009-03-17T08:40:00.003-04:00

According to the Pope, condoms aren't helping the war on AIDS in Africa. In fact, he says; "it increases the problem."

That's right. Condoms are just as much the enemy as AIDS. Actually, the Pope claims he overheard AIDS and condoms at a juice bar in Milan planning to build a giant laser on the moon. They're teaming up to destroy Africa.

Of course, the Catholic church has its own, much more realistic and effective method of fighting AIDS...

Jesus.

All you have to do is find him, skin him, and wear him on your cock as you fuck another human being like the animal you are. It's the only church-sanctioned method of protected sex.

Experts suspect you could get up to 200 Messiah-leather condoms from one Jesus every three days.

Suck it up, princess...

2009-03-15T08:46:00.007-04:00

Ottawa, it's time you and I had a little chat.

I hear you talking about these bad times we're in like you know what's happening out there. As if you know what it's like to watch a few thousand people lose their jobs in five minutes. Well, you don't.

You talk tough and I overhear you saying "things are tough all over!" With your cheery little smile. The words squeezed from between your clenched teeth. Even you know how full of shit you are.

You'll never know what tough is because there will always be big government. You're perpetually safe.

Ottawa, listen to me very closely...

You are a spoiled brat-shit with no accountability and no perspective on anything outside your narrow, well-groomed backyard. You've never had to work hard - if at all - for a single thing you've ever had handed to you and if you don't change your tune soon, I'm going to slap the money right out of your privileged, suckling, vampire mouth.

"Even Ottawa is feeling the crunch." That's what I heard about you on the news the other day. And I wonder, did the broadcaster mean Ottawa is supposed to be somehow naturally recession proof? Or was it a joke? Either way, I did not laugh.

You're barely feeling a single thing, Ottawa. You've barely even noticed.

My first love, Windsor. You know, the hard working, rough around the edges gal with the rose in her hair? She's "feeling the crunch," Ottawa. Not you.

Here's some unemployment numbers for you to think about, according to... well, to you, Ottawa:

National Average - 7.7%
Ontario Average - 8.7

Trois-Rivieres, Que. - 8.0
Montreal - 8.1
Toronto - 8.3
St. Catharines-Niagara - 9.5

See where I'm going with this, Ottawa? You spoiled little shit. These numbers are disastrous. I've got two more for you. Pay very close attention to them.

Windsor, Ont. - 12.6%
Last month, that number was at 10.9, so I hope you understand exactly what this means. In just one month, Windsor has lost thousands of jobs.

This may or may not include the entire third shift of Crysler which makes up about 1,200 workers who just recently got canned. It certainly doesn't include what would happen if Crysler makes good on its threat to pull out of Canada entirely. I don't think this even takes into account the tens of thousands of people who have abandoned the city entirely.

Ottawa, Ont. - 4.6%
You've barely felt the breeze from the fallout on this one, Ottawa, so don't act like you know what's happening out there. Don't ever talk about tough times because you've never seen them in your squeaky-clean life.

You're like the bitch in that Pulp song.

Debaptize me...

2009-03-14T13:47:00.004-04:00

I was about to say that this certificate is silly in that it validates the ridiculousness of the church by even acknowledging it's dogma. But now that they mention complete removal from church membership numbers, I wonder.

I'd love to be taken off any church statistics I might be on after being baptized. I wonder if my name is being used for any government studies or church political advancement. Maybe I'm an "enrolled" Catholic (or whoever the hell baptized me).

If so, maybe we can fight ridiculousness with silliness.

Fair open rational decision...

2009-03-11T10:25:00.006-04:00

It's no surprise I keep my eye on the auto industry. Not that I give a shit about cars or anything, but they're my hometown's lifeblood.

Right now it's as if I'm watching a live autopsy of a hemophiliac and all the bailout money in the world won't stop the bleeding.

A source of mine in the financial world has faith in Ford as the top survivor of the North American auto companies. This isn't hard to see if you look closely enough. Ford is the only company in the Big Three which isn't completely freaking out right now.

GM is the worst. They've even stooped so low as to ask their employees to beg congress for more money. GM wants solid cash to keep afloat and then complains that it's not enough. No respectable business in the world would act like this and it's shameful on their part after being one of the largest companies in the world for so long.

Come to think of it, didn't GM say they planned to completely pull out of North America by 2008? Well, it's 2009 and they're still here, trying to soak up as much money as they can before the CEOs finally ditch the workers who made them billions.

But again, Ford seems to be using their brains where no other company will.

The company has suggested to the Canadian government NOT to directly bailout the auto companies. The idea is that it's not just the company itself which is suffering. It's feeder plants which make bumpers and wheels. And dealerships across the country which are losing out.

Instead, Ford has suggested a plan to give a credit of $3,500 to anyone who trades in a car which is 11 years or older as an incentive to buy a new car.

This is brilliant on so many levels.

Ford knows it's in a position to make money off this. It's good advertising and it puts their money where their mouth is. It's logical. It helps everyone by stimulating sales. It shows Ford is not a dying deer on the side of the road.

But most of all, if their suggestion is carried out, GM and Crysler will be forced into a disasterous situation where they will have to do something radical; become actual businesses and behave as such.

Toyota has recently got on board with Ford's idea and any car company with an ounce of dignity and balls would do the same. But GM and Crysler want the handout because they can't see the bigger picture.

Ford will be on top when the dust settles. At least in terms of North American auto companies. They started the auto industry and they'll be around for a long time to come. It will be GM and Crysler who will end up being Found On Road Dead.

Muse...

2009-03-06T20:47:00.003-05:00

Alright, brain. Let's do this. Come on, man, anything.

Do I really have nothing?

I know there's things I want to write about. Vincent Li. The new Crysler layoffs. Leonard Cohen. There's so much happening!

The other night I had a dream that I met a demon-type-thing I named Syntax. I was living in a burned out library. So was he. But he never slept. Syntax just ate books.

Syntax could only talk to me through lines in books he'd already eaten. He was generally annoyed that I'd interrupt his meals, but he was helpful. Although he was always very cryptic.

It's not like I'm out of ideas, or even out of inspiration. I'm just out of drive. I need to regroup myself.

Maybe that bastard was eating more than just books.

I hope spring comes quickly this year.

Gay sniper activists...

2009-02-17T20:43:00.004-05:00

Watch out West Virginia, my gay friends are coming after you and your families with their gay rifles. They're going to turn your kids gay, your friends gay and before you know it, Charleston is going to be the next Sodom and everyone is going to be having more gay sex and crystal meth than an evangelical minister from... well... West Virginia.

I love church rhetoric. Their fear mongering puts Fox news to shame. The funniest part is that the church is more afraid of fags than the devil. I haven't met one religious person who's afraid of the devil anymore because Jesus is on their side. But homosexuals... oh snap, girlfriend!

Either Luci's lost his touch, or every gay person I know is really good at hiding their malicious intent. But you know who isn't very good at hiding their malicious intent?

The fucking church.

This ad that some ultra-conservative religious group has put out is an absolute abomination to humanity, much like the church itself. But hey, don't take my word for it.

Watch this five minutes of disgusting ignorance and lies and get angry.

D'uhceppe...

2009-02-02T06:31:00.004-05:00

The Bloc is at it again and Duceppe is sounding the trumpets of segregation. He's trash-talking Iggy and Harper and as usual, there's too many emotions and not enough clear thoughts.

Duceppe: "For those who may not have noticed, no matter what party is in power in Ottawa, Liberal or Conservative, no matter who's in charge, the interests of Canada take precedence over the values and interests of Quebec."

Uh... And?

There are so many things wrong with that statement. As harmful as it would be, sometimes I wish Quebec would just leave and Canada would cut them off. I guarantee the Bloc will still be extremely unhappy.

Interesting...

2008-12-19T21:30:00.003-05:00

I say go for it. I'm a big fan of taking down anyone in a position more powerful than my own. I realize how hard this is to come by, so I thoroughly enjoy it when it happens.

Rock on...

2008-12-08T18:39:00.002-05:00

There's something about music - and especially rock music - that inspires freedom. It brings people together and shatters oppression.

If the collapse of the Berlin wall had a soundtrack, it would be rock & roll.

The fall of the Soviet Union paralleled the rise of rock in Moscow.

American students in the '60s are probably the best example of what I'm saying. And the lyrics don't have to be anti-establishment. They don't have to be about resistance. There's something untouchable in rock & roll itself that goes beyond jurisdictions and pushes the limits of a society.

Introducing Saudi Arabia's first, all-girl rock & roll band.

The AccoLade

No fear...

2008-12-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know why people are so afraid of this inevitable economic collapse. In fact, I'm kind of counting on it. It's a chance to show ourselves what we're made of.

This gives me hope for people.

Dear Jack...

2008-12-04T18:06:00.005-05:00

Hello,

You probably don't know me, but I've known you practically my whole life.

You see, I grew up in Windsor. Windsor loves you. I've heard the names Masse and Comartin tossed around since I was a kid and the NDP were always the party of choice. My first votes were NDP votes.

You know Jackie - can I call you Jackie? Listen, Jackie-Boy.

I trusted you. Out of the whole pack, I thought you had the most to offer.

What happened, Jackie-Boy?

You know, when talk of this coalition thing started, I thought to myself; "Wouldn't it be GREAT if Jack Layton would lead this group of misfits? Backed by the Bloc and advised by the Grits? Amazing!"

I thought it would have been.

When I was a kid, my friends and I would see the NDP campaign signs and wonder what those three letters stood for.

My favourite was No Damn Principles. I thought it was funny and it stuck with me. Little did I know it would come true.

"I didn't hear any of this high and mighty language and moral indignation from the Prime Minister when he signed a document along with myself and Mr. Duceppe a few years ago and sent it to the Governor General."

You know who said that, Jackie-Boy? YOU.

You stood there - high and mighty in your own fashion - and admitted to the nation that you have no problem allying and pandering with either side for a slice of the pie.

No Damn Principles.

I stood up for you. I casted votes for you. I believed in you. What do YOU believe in? What do YOU stand up for? And why should I ever trust you again?

You let me down Jackie-Boy.

Epic fail...

2008-12-03T18:25:00.004-05:00

Everyone's asking me how I feel about this coalition between the Liberals, NDP and Bloc to dethrone Harper.

I tried to care and find this interesting. I tried see the excitement in something that hasn't happened since WWI.

But my good friend Scotty made me realize that I just wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't hate everyone.

So I've decided to cast a vote for hate.

Canada has lost it's "good government" and what's worse is every single MP on the hill doesn't give a fuck. But I give a fuck. And the 30 million Canadians who are affected by federal inaction during a financial crisis should definitely give a fuck.

At first I was happy. I would rather put up with the occasional Liberal scandal and be $10 million in surplus than be treated like a child and end up $14 billion in debt.

This is also the first time Harper has expressed an emotion that can't somehow be described as "smug." So of course I enjoyed that. Honestly, he's acting like a spoiled kid who's favourite toy has been taken away. This gives me a better idea of how he views the average voter.

I'm not taking sides anymore though. I'm going all out bi-partisan. I'm treating this situation like prison. Punch out the toughest guy you find in the first day. Then make the second toughest your bitch.

Dion. My little princess. You're not fooling anyone. And there are no second chances.

Did you see your numbers in the election? You lead the worst election in Liberal history and after crying the entire weekend your first act was to announce your resignation.

So, no. You should not get to be Prime Minister and neither should your successor whoever it might be. As far as I'm concerned he'll only be White-Out over a mistake in the history books until he proves himself otherwise.

Layton: Work harder you pansy fuck.

Duceppe: Get fucked.

May: Stay the fuck out of this.

Canadians: ...let me tell you something.

We're one of the most amazing countries in the world. Take a look around at what we have. And then take a look at the complete fuckery our Parliament has turned into.

No other country in the world would put up with this sort of nonsense. Except maybe the States. So why are we?

They should all be out. Harper was right on one thing, the government does not work. It IS not working. It has failed.

I'm voting Neo-Rhino next time around. At least they take a vote seriously.

GObama...

2008-11-04T17:41:00.002-05:00

The first polls in the states close in minutes and I just thought I'd bring people back to when this election first started...

... in 1993.

Americana...

2008-11-02T08:45:00.005-05:00

It's easy to sit here and criticize our neighbours to the south. To watch Fox news and think; 'Sweet Jesus, what are they thinking?'

But every now and then I get taken in and see America for what it was supposed to be and not what it has turned into. And I feel proud for them because they really can be a great nation.

Nothing shows me this more than the 2008 presidential election. Watching Obama speak feels like watching history unfold and if there's one thing he's great at, it's making ordinary people feel involved in this new history with him.

He's not perfect - no president ever was or will be - but he's the right choice. He's gotten people motivated and given them hope for a new country. For once an election doesn't seem like a popularity contest. There's a vitality and energy in America that hasn't been seen in almost half a century and its this vitality that history is made out of.

In 2 days, American voters will confirm what I already know; Obama is already the next American president.

I hope he keeps this vitality and energy through two terms in office. I hope America gets drunk from it and demands more from future candidates than what we've seen in the past.

I hope Obama becomes the face on posters tacked to the walls of students decades from now and that he delivers one great speech which, one day, will be catalogued beside other great American speeches like Kennedy's 1961 inaugural address and Martin Luther King Jr.'s 'I have a dream' speech.

I hope he stays true and doesn't fall victim to corrupting influences which have become so prevalent in Washington.

I hope he listens to the people when they disagree with him and makes sound decisions, though they will certainly be difficult.

But most of all, I hope I'm not disappointed.

The big dark...

2008-10-28T19:18:00.004-04:00

Not even Hallowe'en and there's a winter storm warning for all of us here in Ottawa.

There's a certain part of winter I don't mind. That time around Christmas when snow is almost quaint and you've almost missed having it. But the snow we have right now isn't big and bright and fluffy and floating down in giant clumps. That child-beating bastard, Bing Crosby isn't singing his joyous duet with David Bowie just yet.

Looking outside, this snow is like shards of glass.

On my side of the street it's blowing west. On the other side it's headed east, as if this snow is important enough to warrant its own traffic system.

This is February snow and I hate it. Goes with the solid summer of rain and last year's record snowfall.

What is that thing called? It's like hibernation for humans. Oh yeah. Coma.

Sign me up.

2008-10-25T14:20:00.003-04:00

It strikes me as amazing how often I consider turning into a criminal.

Not a 'bad' criminal, per se, but I guess that depends on your point of view.

A teacher once told us about a story he was researching about B.C. grow-ops. Turns out, a group like, say, the Hell's Angels would give a homeowner $50,000 to use their house to grow pot. An electrician would come in to hook it all up, they'd haul in the dirt and all the homeowner would have to do is water the plants. If something weird started to happen, there was even a 1-800 number they could call and a chemist would be sent over to test the soil and make sure everything was running smoothly. After the 'season' was over the plants were harvested and everything was shipped back out of the house.

Criminal? According to the courts; just barely.

See, judges in B.C. got so fed up with wasting taxpayer money on trials that they reduced the penalty to a $5,000 fine if you were caught. There would just be more grow-ops anyway, so the judicial system wasn't even a bandaid compared to the problem.

Every time I think of ways to cut back my spending, or if something like my phone or car needs a repair, or when I watch my crushing student debt loom over me I think about the B.C. grow-op story.

With $50,000 I could be debt free in a day and still have some left over to live comfortably for a year or take a vacation. At this point, another $5,000 penalty seems like a joke compared to the rest of my debt.

I should be thankful I don't own a house out west, otherwise, I might be making a phone call. Instead, I find ways to become what I call an urban or modern bohemian. I've even considered growing a beard because it might save me from the ridiculous cost of razors.

And rich people wonder why things like piracy are such big issues. Consumerism itself creates criminals.

Sprawl-mart...

2008-10-17T06:32:00.005-04:00

Sometimes unions get out of control, but most times it's the company that does.

You mean to tell me that a union in a garage bumped up costs to customers by over 30 per cent? How underpaid are these poor guys? And ontop of that, Wal-Mart, arguably the largest seller of everything ever can't spare the profits? I don't buy this horseshit for one second and you shouldn't either.

The article should begin; "In an attempt to keep it's strangle-hold on the souls of underpaid employees, Wal-mart destroyed their first unionized workforce with lava and herpes pouring from the mouth of a seven-headed beast with seven crowns and terrible halitosis."

It would be more run-on, but it's still early.

Labour Minister David Whissell is apparently on the case. Send him a message and put some pressure on him to do a good job and get these guys their jobs back.

His addresses are at the bottom.

Social sterility...

2008-09-24T17:59:00.004-04:00

I understand people who don't like to vote or refuse to for whatever reason.

Part of me gets it; that despite who's turning the crank, the wheel keeps spinning no matter what and that the actions of people in high-office don't really change your daily life too much. Not enough for some people to care or even sometimes to notice. After all, true anarchy is everywhere and a law in some book isn't going to stop someone from doing what they want.

But another part of me wants to infect those people with some deliciously debilitating disease and then talk about health care while they uncontrollably shit out their lungs.

There is a bigger picture to voting and sometimes it's not about how great one leader will be, it's about how bad the other ones are. It's also about shaping the direction of your country, your neighbourhood and taking some responsibility for the world around you.

Stick around for ten minutes and watch my second favourite Aussie. Even though he's talking about the American election, it applies to every democratic election. He's right. And he swears almost as much as I do.

Election erection...

2008-09-21T09:52:00.004-04:00

I love elections if only to study the psychology of our country's officials. But beyond that, they're usually exciting and it gives voters the feeling of actively helping to shape our country.

I've always felt that it's important to vote and if you feel strongly about not voting, it's important to state the reason's why. But in either case, it's ultimately important to know a thing or two about what's happening.

The way the party leaders talk and the way they're discussed on the news, it's easy for young or uninformed people to think they get a hand in voting in the big party leaders. When I first voted in an election, I was surprised when I didn't recognize any of the names on the ballot and I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to vote for who I thought was running. So I had to vote by party, not knowing anything about the person I just decided I liked on a whim.

If you're interested in understanding how you can better learn politics, don't look at the leaders. They're just distractions and spokespersons for party policy. Think of big parties like a band. Sure, the frontman is flashy and loud, but without the rest of the band he's just a crooner.

So it's important to know your riding and who you can actually vote for. Luckily, I'm in a fairly important riding which is currently held by CPC member, John Baird. It's important because this man is also the Minster of the Environment and we all know how big the climate change issue is this election.

Honestly, my riding excites me more than the entire federal election.

Nothing much on the Hill is going to change. I'm predicting the same Conservative minority this fall. By far the biggest surprise has been the Green Party. Elizabeth May will finally get a chance to debate and they've seen a (relatively) big jump in popularity.

My riding of Ottawa West/Nepean has a cool voting history for anyone who gives a shit. And I do.

The area has become more right-leaning over the past decade;

Some quick federal election stats for Ottawa West/Nepean:

1997
Liberal - 29,511 (votes)
Reform - 11,601

2000
Liberal - 22,607
Alliance - 14,753

2004
Liberal - 23,971
Conservative - 22,591

2006
Conservative - 25,607
Liberal - 20,244

I find election results over time fascinating. It's like watching the piece of Canada you live in grow and change over time. To me it's a notch on the door frame of your neighbourhood measuring the growth of a community.

Dead-lines...

2008-09-03T17:27:00.004-04:00

I work at one of those jobs where more is never enough and I'm on the giving end. I could spend 10 hours a day there and still it doesn't seem that everything would get done.

Almost every day is a race from an office chair working on computers that barely work with programs that can make Bill O'Reilly look reasonable.

Every week I get one writing assignment and every week I get so excited to work on it. To write.

And then I write.

With the already short amount of time at work, I never really get to have fun writing. I paste together bits of news releases and wikipedia into a sort of mosaic of information with no real direction or purpose. Nothing I'm very interested in anyway.

When I have to write something I'm not interested in, or spend most of my time staring at the clock waiting for the deadline instead of focusing on how cool this information could be if I weren't so distracted, that's when I feel bad about what my final product will be.

Luckily for me, or not depending on how you look at it, there's not much of a bar to raise in terms of writing for a bunch of American geriatrics who would probably get offended if I included words like nipple, underwear, poop, bum, Obama or moist.

Whenever I work with information I don't necessarily care about on an already stressed timeline, I turn into a monkey packing shit together like it's going to save my life.

Remember Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters when he was using his fork to frantically plaster a mountain of mashed potatoes on his plate? And he looked at his wife and said; "This means something."

I'm him.

And sometimes it's just so hard to convince myself that this means something.

Plasticity...

2008-08-25T20:16:00.004-04:00

Since I'm on the subject of causes...

I had no idea there was a mass of swirling plastic in the ocean that weighs about 7 million tons. Can't we charter some fishing boats to net some of that shit? We could even make it a tourist attraction.

What bothers me most is the organization responsible for promoting this mess. The Algalita Marine Research Foundation's mission is: "to let the world know about the giant plastic soup we have found in the Central Pacific Gyre and other marine locations so that something can be done to halt this increasing problem before it becomes worse than it already is."

But other than yelling "IT'S OVER HERE!" there doesn't seem to be much more to the job.

The "education" section of their site does nothing but inform you that plastics are bad for the ocean. And for anywhere from $10-$25, you can also buy a DVD that will probably also tell you that plastics are bad for the ocean.

I guess they're living up to their mission; let everyone know about it and let someone else deal with it.

I've always thought of ways to reduce my dependency on plastic. And while there's lots of organizations and people out there who will lecture you on the known hazards of everything plastic, it's quite hard to find any real advice on what to do about it other than "stop using plastic grocery bags!"

So there's step one; get some of those new, reusable grocery bags that are made of -- FUCK! Recycled plastic! What was wrong with hemp?

Okay, so it could be worse, at least we're being smarter about it, but I still think we could do more. What ever happened to glass, tin and paper products?

Thankfully, there's a website called Life Without Plastic and although the colour scheme looks like a cross between baby vomit and the Toxic Avenger, it's got to have some helpful hints, right?

No. It's a store. And it sells stainless steel water bottles with (you guessed it) plastic caps.

Google "no plastic" and a few sites pop up. The first is Change Everything.ca, a collection of blogs written by people who want to change one big thing in their lives. The link takes you to some blog about a person who's trying to give up all plastics. Great idea, but who wants to read through 2 years of personal blog entries to make a quick list to incorporate into their lives?

Two more links to the same blog by "EnviroGirl" and the rest are news articles about plastic bags and then what looks to be an LSD inspired YouTube video. I'm not linking to that.

This is ridiculous. A few other searches rewarded me with more shops, a plastics manufacturing company, and some site called Greenopolis, "...the first 'green,' interactive, collaborative, educational website to bring together communities, environmental organizations, universities, foundations and corporations to reward individuals for making incremental positive environmental changes."

If it's so educational why can't I find any easily accessible tips to reducing my dependency on plastic? If you think "green" means "I'm a better person than you are" then Greenopolis might just be the right place for you.

As for me, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. I'm making my own advice on reducing my plastic consumption.

Learn your causes...

2008-08-24T21:32:00.006-04:00

It's time once again to jump on the cancer boat!

The SS Carcinogen leaves port soon. Destination: your wallet.

Every now and then the media feels the need to give back in the form of a giant, money-making benefit bazaar geared towards making you feel guilty enough to give away your cash to a vague cause. This time it's Stand Up 2 Cancer.

No, I'm not pro-cancer. But cancer is just such a broad topic and I'd really like to see where the money actually goes. If it goes to breast cancer, then that's alright. I love those things. But nevertheless, whenever a giant conglomerate of celebrity faces start tugging on my heartstrings for a little bit of money, I feel that I might be better off by either slapping their hands away or maybe just devouring their children with some Frank's Red Hot. Maybe I could create some sort of weapon that gives them cancer of the face to make them too ugly to be on TV pandering for my paycheck instead of entertaining, informing or educating me.

Besides... didn't Canada already find the cure for cancer?

From the University of Alberta DCA website, updated March 15, 2007:

"Dr. Evangelos Michelakis, a professor at the U of A Department of Medicine, has shown that dichloroacetate (DCA) causes regression in several cancers, including lung, breast, and brain tumors."

Amazing! And how long did it take to create this wonderdrug, DCA?

"Scientists and doctors have used DCA for decades to treat children with inborn errors of metabolism due to mitochondrial diseases. Mitochondria, the energy producing units in cells, have been connected with cancer since the 1930s, when researchers first noticed that these organelles dysfunction when cancer is present."

Wait, so DCA has been around for that long, but it's got to be super expensive, hard to produce and worthy of major media network theatrics, right?

"DCA is an odourless, colourless, inexpensive, relatively non-toxic, small molecule."

But it must be hard to administer. Something so evil as cancer must take some pretty strenuous treatments. Is it injected directly into the tumors? Is there a big DCA submersion unit? Does it involve some sort of enema?

"Another encouraging thing about DCA is that, being so small (much like this font), it is easily absorbed in the body, and, after oral intake, it can reach areas in the body that other drugs cannot, making it possible to treat brain cancers, for example."

So why is this cheap, effective, simple drug which doesn't even have an aftertaste not being talked about more often?

Oh right... because DCA has been around so long it's unpatentable. It can be produced and sold for next to nothing and would end up taking millions of donated dollars for research not to mention government funding and current drug treatments for cancer out of the hands of pharmaceutical companies.

The U of A is starting clinical trials soon and could still use some help. Don't give your money to celebrities putting on a show with an enormous price tag. Give it to the people like Dr. Michelakis who do real work.

Blackouts and styrofoam...

2008-08-16T12:11:00.003-04:00

I came home last night to a bedroom full of styrofoam pellets. My bed was covered with the stuff. Same with my floor, my bookcase and all the clothes in my closet.

I live at a place which used to be called The Four Holes. Each building was a hole and in many ways, still is. The buildings were bought out and renovated by The Butera Group. All the addicts, hustlers, pimps, prostitutes and welfare recipients were cast aside, the rent was jacked up to prices which would be more fitting of a downtown loft and they got away with it because it's near the college. Yet they have a policy now where they don't rent out to students, which makes no sense to me.

I always make references to "purfume on a pig" when I talk about these apartments because that's exactly what was done to them. Gussied up with mass purchases designed to give the illusion of the upper-middle class. Just because one of my livingroom walls is painted plum, apparently that's supposed to mean something.

Every time a bus drives past my apartment the pig flexes and shudders. The sides of these builings are the only parts that show the pig for what it is. Giant stress cracks creep up the sides of the buildings like the makeup line on an aging stripper still trying to pass off as 25. But the life she's lived is obvious. It shows below the neck.

The old yellow brick of The Four Holes is being ingeniously covered up with styrofoam. Magical enough to make the buildings look solid, but cheap enough not to make any sort of difference whatsoever.

This is how I came to an apartment full of styrofoam. Right now the contractors have finished glueing the foam to the sides of my building and are sanding it down so that the lines between the boards doesn't look so obvious. My parking lot is covered in little styrofoam pellets and it blows around the neighbourhood like snow that never melts.

It got through my cheap bedroom windows and I spent my Friday night cleaning it up. This morning I'm dealing with the sounds of hammer drills, electric sanders and pounding on the walls of my apartment. The hammer drills actually make my room vibrate if they're close enough.

While trying to routinely go through my Saturday morning amidst the clatter, I came across this story about a celebration of the 5th anniversary of the blackout which shut down a huge chunk of the eastern seaboard.

I've always said we should reenact that event once a year and force people to actually join their community.

I'm not a fan of activist groups for the most part, but this new one out of Toronto called The Public Squares seems to have a cool idea.

"Five years ago the lights went out on some 100 million people. We spilled out of our home-box, work-box, shopping and car boxes. We stepped away from computers, microwaves and TV's. The streets became our living rooms as we shared the good company of friends and strangers alike. We rediscovered the power and vitality of the commons. Last night's temporary reclamation of Bloor & Spadina is a festive demonstration of how our city could evolve. The streets and avenues are the veins and arteries of the city. Great intersections like this one are vital organs where people are drawn to work, eat, play and commune. This connection of citizens creates a livable city in a way that an easy left turn never will. See for yourself how this thousand square feet of pavement can better serve us all. 'Get out of your box and into the square.' - the Public Squares"

After I'm finished Day 2 of cleaning my apartment of styrofoam, I think I might just get out and enjoy my community for a while.

Just a man...

2008-08-12T19:31:00.007-04:00

You know, if he wasn't such a terrible president, I bet Georgie would be a pretty fun guy to hang out with.

Freedom of digitalization...

2008-07-06T13:51:00.005-04:00

I've been trying to keep up with Canada's new DMCA bill (C-61) but it's difficult. Almost any time I read or hear about it there's so much jargon and I don't have the patience to deal with it or filter through it.

I have never had C-61 explained to me in a reasonable way, but I don't have to be a politician to know that this bill is absolutely ridiculous and needs a lot of work and a lot of input from Canadians.

A very good friend of mine wrote Brian Masse, MP for Windsor West, with both standard and very unique concerns about Bill C-61:

"...for someones mp3, video and whatever collections, one can't really tell. For example I have a ADC membership from Apple that enables me to download software, thus I may not have discs, or ever will have discs but the copy is perfectly legal. But how will I prove that at the border? or my mp3 collection that I have had for years based off of cd's that I have owned in the past and may no longer own today? It is all fuzzy and not sound to do this, and in the end looks like a waste of time and clogging our legal system.

"Secondly, I work in the realm of internet security and I typically have materials that are used to attack websites, but I am on the protective end, so I have or try to have what the offenders are using in order to be proficient.

"So for me this is a scary thought because I could be fined for legally possessing material, and in the end being fined and potentially having my hardware and data destroyed in a needless search, let alone the privacy infringement and trade secret material I may have at any given time."

Masse wrote back with some very interesting things to say:

"Recent reports confirming that the government is in secret meetings to negotiate the terms of the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) is yet another example of the way this government is allowing U.S. corporate interests to lead Canada around by the nose. These secret ACTA talks in Geneva are likely to result in treating children who trade songs for their iPods like members of international counterfeiting rings; institutionalize the mandatory snooping of personal Internet use; legislate the seizure of personal computers at the border to search for copyrighted materials; and make it easier to use heavy-handed lawsuits against individuals as a tool to prevent file-sharing.

"Unfortunately, the government has completely ignored calls to bring forward reasonable copyright legislation. In fact, this bill is worse than originally feared. There is no evidence of an attempt to strike any reasonable balance that would protect either artists or consumers. Instead, we are faced with a full capitulation to the U.S. corporate lobby that will pave the way for the criminalization of perfectly reasonable behaviour (like format shifting of most legally purchased content)."

I'm still trying to learn more about Bill C-61. It could very well be the most important piece of legislation Canada has seen since the Charter.

Read up on the subject and if you feel strongly about it, take Brian Masse's advice:

"I would strongly encourage you to stay active in this fight by putting the heat on the Ministers of Industry and Heritage, the Prime Minister, and the leaders of the other opposition parties. Whether you call, write, email, or all of the above, your participation will be important to making our opposition to this bill impossible to ignore."

Thanks, Mark.

Club whitey...

2008-07-01T10:56:00.004-04:00

Every now and then, someone is going to utter a line that seems borderline racist and it usually sounds something like; "Why does every other group other than white men have advocacy groups and clubs?"

It's stupid, but in some way, I understand it.

The initial reaction is to say; Listen. Whitey's been in power over most (practically ALL) of the western world for centuries. Whitey has a tendency to be short-sighted and unapologetic. Basically, Whitey fucks shit up. A lot.

And that's easy to say when the entire path of the modern world has been blazed by rich white men. But rich black men, or rich white women, or rich Chinese people wouldn't escape the same pitfalls of humanity which brought us to this point in time. I refuse to believe that skin tone and gender make people that different.

Immediately after the notion of a club or group of white men is proposed, images of the private country club with a giant sign out front - "No Jews or Blacks" - springs to mind. The only women and foreigners allowed past the gates are the ones who fold napkins and wash dishes while the White Male Club smokes cigars and devours $40 club sandwiches. Whitey's sit and discuss which currency makes the best toilet paper and how many strippers they could fuck in a weekend.

But that's the fear. The fear of the old times and the fear of a stereotype which seem to me, were just a symptom of a dead culture trying to create a new one which satisfied their inadequacies. If there's one thing rich white folks are good at it's pretending the world is A-ok just by measuring their slice of the pie.

I offer up a different vision for a White Male Club:

Factory workers, miners and mechanics sitting around a patio, drinking beer and eating hot dogs. No real threat to anything but their dying organs and discussing the same things as people of other races; how badly Whitey fucked shit up.

These are basically my family reunions, except women are invited to join in. And my Syrian relatives. And my black roommate. And basically anyone else who wants to drink beer and eat hot dogs, we're pretty easy going.

The notion of establishing an official Club Whitey is always met with that same fear of the old stereotypes, but there's already unofficial clubs all over the world and most of them are just like my family gatherings.

The big secret is that most white people are fine with our secret, backyard hot dog clubs. It's the giant organized white groups that make us nervous and shameful. The ones who always preach heritage and purity of race. Yeah, those motherfuckers. The ones who form demonstrations promoting the establishment of official White Male Clubs.

Those bastards are right that the world is becoming less white, but that's not a bad thing. And it isn't nearly as scary as they make it out to be. Over time, when Asians, Indians and Hispanics populate the world, when everyone in the west celebrates Cinco De Mayo, they'll look at my family reunions and think; "Look at that white club. Drinking beer and eating hot dogs, just like in that documentary."

Maybe I'm wrong and the stereotypes and "white is right" bastards will be long forgotten.

Or maybe they'll be delighted and surprised by how open we are to other people.

Citizen journalists...

2008-06-03T18:13:00.003-04:00

I've always been a big fan of the idea that sometimes you have to trick people into doing the right thing.

But sometimes this can turn into mass delusions.

The idea behind "citizen journalism" is fantastic; there's news happening everywhere and always, so go out there and find it. You too can be a reporter/broadcaster/pundit. But it gives a lot of people a false notion that they're finding a purpose instead of just picking up a hobby.

A citizen journalist is just someone who decided to be a normal person and involve themselves in that thing that died sometime in the 90's. What is it? Oh yeah. COMMUNITY.

I'm not getting bent out of shape because I've spent two years of my life studying journalism and plan to do more of the same. I really enjoy the idea of people getting involved in the larger world that surrounds their living rooms.

But citizen journalists?

I just cooked myself a pretty decent dinner that didn't come out of a box so that must mean I'm a citizen chef. And when I clean my kitchen afterwards, maybe then I've magically transformed into a citizen maid.

I guess citizen journalists got the name because it benefits more than just themselves. And it also gives them a larger sense of purpose when they force themselves to look at the world around them.

"I'm not interacting normally with people in my community, I'm a citizen journalist and I've got a job to do!"

It sounds like mental masturbation. What else would you call a job that pays in nothing but feeling better about yourself?

The creation of citizen journalism can tell you a lot about the state of media though. No one trusts or believes journalists. Apparently regular journalists are bottom-feeding attention whores who's only goal is to steal your story, muck about with your words and paint you out to be a bigger dick than you could ever make yourself out to be.

And regular journalists are so tremendously terrible at it that ordinary people are jumping in to take over what has apparently become a completely incompetent industry.

What's worse is that citizen journalists are almost needed. The people we ultimately work for are not happy with the quality of work we're putting out there.

Every reporter I've ever met has had the same "live to work" philosophy. I've been told again and again that if I don't absolutely love the job I'll never make it.

Ten years ago a City Hall reporter would write roughly 150 stories a year. Plenty of time to look at a story and tell it right while still building relationships with your sources. Today, city beat journalists are told to act as if their deadline is NOW for every story they write (which has increased to about 350 stories a year.)

I've conducted interviews that were so rushed there was no way I could come off as anything but a complete leech. This is no way to run any type of news organization.

But there are rules and guidelines for journalism that citizens can't just make up, just as someone couldn't simply pick up a hammer and some lumber, call themselves a citizen contractor and go build a house thinking it would pass code.

By far my biggest beef with the giant, veiny erection calling itself citizen journalism is that people are mind-fucking themselves into thinking their doing a job when they should have always been out there talking to people, hearing new opinions, thinking for themselves and integrating into a society thus helping to create that long-lost thing known as a culture.

We need less citizen journalists and more plain citizens.

Jack of all trades...

2008-05-16T14:15:00.002-04:00

I love Batman.

I was thinking of just leaving this post as that one sentence but then I thought that might be a little weird, so let me explain why.

Cruising through the series of tubes that make up the Interweb, I came across a list of 75 things every man should be able to do and I felt a strange combination of fascination and resentment. But I couldn't stop reading it.

Because a small part of me felt that this list might know something I didn't know about being a man. I wanted to size myself up against the list to see just how manly I was.

And then I realized I was being a complete tool.

There's a lack of zen in North America causing the youth to believe they have to be the best at everything and I blame me. I mean the media. So... me.

Anyway, being constantly bombarded by information in today's wacky world of infotainment there's an endless variety of figures to look up to and it's hard to choose just one. Sports figures, intellectuals, inventors, musicians. The list is endless, but it's also inevitably hopeless.

The giant list of potential heroes creates a giant bubble of confusion in young minds. No one knows who to look up to. Ask someone who their hero is. ONE hero and I bet you'll get a blank stare for one of two reasons:

They either can't filter through the grotesque, Facebook-sized list of names in their heads,

Or the names got lost in the database somewhere and the person has no one they really look up to and identify with.

Another alienating effect of having too many heroes or no heroes at all is being over or underwhelmed by the many facets of life. With too many heroes it's easy to have the need to be the best at everything to keep up with and compare yourself to the heroic figures in your head and with no heroes at all, well, that's just disasterous.

No one is going to be the best at everything, no matter how hard they try and the more people I see trying to be the best at everything, the more frustrated I get with a society that breeds sterility.

This is the same reason why I hate Superman.

He's the most boring character ever created and he only perpetuates the myth that people should try to be great at everything. He's the strongest, fastest, invulnerableist AND the bastard has laser eyes. Just in case.

Choose one thing you're good at and become awesome at it. Don't set your sights so high that they're unachievable. I want to live in a world where people specialize in different skills and don't try to know everything about everything.

But isn't Batman just the opposite of what I described? Kind of, but not really. He's a tricky third option for people with no real-life heroes to relate to.

In every Batman story I've ever read he gets the shit kicked out of him to the point where he's near death but somehow manages to squeeze through. He doesn't always save the day. He's not always right. He's just a guy with a neurosis and a boat-load of cash doing whatever it is he does.

His great skill is adapting, and that's made him a perfect for today's world of information bombardment.

In the comic world super-powers mirror the people with great abilities in our world. Batman has had to contend against superheroes with nothing more than his ingenuity and he's done it successfully.

Batman doesn't have a list of 75 things he needs to know about being Batman. He started by just beating the snot out of criminals and it all snowballed from there.

I don't need to know how to "recite one poem from memory" or "be brand loyal to at least one product" to be a man. I'm just going to focus at being the best at beating up criminals and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

Learning the hard way...

2008-05-15T13:44:00.004-04:00

Today I found this video and died a little inside.

What troubles me most is the man in the video, despite being an obvious psycho, seems to be a smart guy. That bothers me a lot. It's easier to think of psychotic predators as obvious, but they're not. Predators, just like in the wild, tend to be cunning and sly. Just like this guy.

Like any smart psychopath, The AIDS Man raises some good points about American culture, especially the under-education or apathy of the youth towards sex.

I hope The AIDS Man thinks of himself as a brilliant, shock-education teacher, that he made a fake video to prove a point and he really hasn't ruined lives. But somehow I doubt it.

In the summer of 2004, Windsor went into a state of panic. About five emergency health units were installed around the city so women (and men) could be tested for HIV. The son of a prominent businessman was found to have a rare strain of the disease and was having unprotected sex without telling his partners of his disease.

Over a hundred people came forward claiming they had sex with him or may have been linked through a common sexual partner.

It's hard to describe the city's tension that summer and I don't wish it on any other community.

And as much as I hate clubs, I would never wish The AIDS Man on any club kids.

Just like any psychopath, The AIDS Man craves the spotlight and probably thinks of ordinary people as less than himself. Mentioning his car and jewelry hints at that. But just because he's a dangerous predator doesn't mean people should ignore what he's saying.

Psychopaths always seem to have a twisted message to the world. While they're not always acceptable or even reasonable philosophies, we owe it to ourselves (not them) to listen.

Assuming The AIDS Man is legitimate, I'm certain he's spreading AIDS because of the thrill. Of course, he also wants to paint himself as being a great teacher who's trying to help people.

I don't think for a moment he's trying to help anyone. But I do think his message is valid.

UPDATE - Oh, well that's a relief. It's just a porn-producing, douchebag, nobody.

Guilty boredom...

2008-05-09T18:24:00.003-04:00

Every Friday I try to make a little time to read an online comic by Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield called Freak Angels. They're taking a break from producing the comic this week but Ellis has written a few pages outlining his inspiration for Freak Angels and a very brief history of "disaster fiction."

Ellis also goes into why he feels disaster fiction is so prominent in British literature;

"We imagine great natural (or unnatural) disasters because we'll never actually experience them. Literary survivors' guilt."

If you're a reader of ER3 or if you know me personally, you will know that there's only one method of catastrophic disaster I really worry about;

Horrible, ever-loving, nuclear Armageddon. A flood isn't so bad when you consider the instant vaporization of entire city blocks, and that's just the fun part of the impending fiasco.

I'm not too worried about many other types of disaster. I'm pretty confident in my abilities to survive any minor cataclysms like flooding, ice storms, black-outs and even the elusive (but somehow constant) threat of terrorism.

But a nuclear firestorm? In that situation, my plans go from basic survival mode to completely psychotic. My plan for any large scale nuclear holocaust would be to grab the cooler of beer and a lawn chair and try and reach the highest rooftop I can so I can get a nice, clear view of ground zero before my eyeballs melt and my skin flies off my cheery, beer drinking skeleton.

Hold the SPF 5 million! I'm going to experience this blast in high definition! Because I'd have to be Mad Max style, bat-shit crazy to want to try to survive that clusterfuck.

That being said, I love disaster fiction, but I don't think it's because of "survivors' guilt." Disaster fiction is prominent in the west partly because our lifestyles don't give us many opportunities to test ourselves. Disaster fiction and fantasies give us an outlet to see the best and worst of ourselves in a scenario that not only destroys who you were, but gives you an opportunity to see who you could be.

I refuse to admit that I'm the only person who's dreamed of a world where I was that bat-shit crazy marauder, or a desert wasteland community builder, or a wilderness-roaming hard-ass. Sure beats installing bumpers for 30 years.

Maybe Ellis is right and Britain thinks of these things because of guilt. Maybe Britain lacks nuclear catastrophic fiction because WWII is still a bit too fresh and I've been terrified with the notion since childhood.

Personally, I think we all just lead really boring lives.

Shout out and random black thoughts...

2008-05-03T14:06:00.005-04:00

One of my favourite vloggers is a hilarious Australian chap by the name of Sean Bedlam who usually has some marvelous thoughts.

Wait, marvelous isn't the right word.

Is "ofFUNsive" a word? If not, I'm coining it. If you happen to use the word offunsive, please mail me a dollar.

The videos of his which I've watched recently have had racial themes and as someone who's life has been consistently permeated by racial issues, I like to listen to other smart white people discuss their points of view on the subject.

Let me back track a bit.

As a kid growing up across the river from Detroit, I've always noticed issues of race when they pop up. These issues didn't happen all the time, but when they did, I was always intelligent enough to notice them. I might not have known at the time exactly why Detroit's suburbs were riddled with burnt-out houses streamed with police tape, or why the neighbouring homes had steel gates on the front doors, but I still remember them.

Okay, let me back track a bit more.

My family has always told me stories of the great racial divide. All my life I've heard about the race riots. The border was shut down and Windsorites would gather along the riverfront to watch Detroit burn. Tanks rolled through the streets and helicopters buzzed the skies.

Before that, my grandfather took the family to Florida. Back then black people weren't allowed to walk on the beach during the day because they would cramp white people's style.

The story here is that a well-known black entertainer and activist broke the rules while my grandfather and the fam were at the beach. White folks sat by in disgust as this man, dressed nicely in a suit, took off his shoes and socks to walk along the beach in a silent, one-man protest.

The locals were disgusted and sat by as he walked along the beach. This man caused such a scene that he was being followed by police to make sure the shit didn't hit the fan. I'm not sure if it was for his own safety or to make white people feel safer. Because well... black people in the 50's were pure evil, you know.

When he passed by, my grandfather made the family stand up as he passed. It was a sign of respect for the black man and maybe a little bit of defiance from my grandfather because no other white people would dare acknowledge what he was doing by standing.

The black man passed by and nodded and all my grandfather said to my mother was; "Remember this."

Shortly after the man passed them by, my grandfather had to pack up the kids as quick as possible to flee the angry white folks who looked at my family as "nigger lovers."

My life is riddled with stories of race; my mother's college friend who was in the Black Panthers. My cousin who got kicked out of Sunday School for making a "black" angel (Angel's can't be black, apparently.) My grandfather and the kids, again escaping from white people in the southern states who were going "coon hunting" and noticed the Canadian plates on the car, making them a suitable alternate target.

Everyone knows the basics of segregation. The water fountains for black and white people (which my mother actually drank out of the wrong fountain once as a kid. Which again made my family a target down south. Nice one, mom.)

Whenever I think of race, I always remember a story of my own from when I worked for a summer in a book store.

Two black ladies were shopping in Windsor and I knew immediately they were from Detroit from the accents.

The one lady asked me where the "Black Section" was and I took her to the Cultural Studies shelves and to Black Studies which maybe had a dozen books on a lower shelf.

She asked if that was it and I felt bad that our black studies section seemed so small compared to what I thought any good bookstore in the States might carry, so I told her that we could order just about any book she wanted.

Then she asked me if that was also all of our "black fiction" and I had no idea what to think, so like an idiot I stared at her trying to imagine what she meant. So she asked again where we kept fiction books written by black authors.

I understood what she said but I finally got what she was really telling me.

Bookstores in the states are still segregated. In exchange for sharing a water fountain with white folks, black people now have their own fiction sections.

What's worse is that the lady almost looked offended when I told her it was with all the other fiction books listed alphabetically by author.

"So... the black writers are all mixed in with the rest of them?"

"Yep."

"... oh. Okay," she said and walked away with her look of shock, telling the other black lady what I had told her who then also looked shocked.

That experience made me feel so sad for everyone.

Confessions & the wild west...

2008-03-19T22:19:00.007-04:00

I've just written the worst headline ever.

Not here, this one's alright.

I'm currently in placement at Canwest News Service. It's a Canadian wire service. I've spent one week at the Atlantic Desk and this week on the Prairie Desk. Next week is Breaking News and I'm praying I finally get a byline I can add to my portfolio.

Back to the terrible headline...

I had to trim a story by Geoff Kirbyson of the Winnipeg Free Press down a few hundred words and stylize it for national distribution. The story was about some of the 'Peg's big-wig financial workers who are also musicians. Once a year they hold a sort of battle of the bands and raise money for charity. It's a really fun story and the band names are top notch (SubPrimal Scream feat. Miss Representation.)

As far as writing headlines, I tend to stick to two themes;

1) Witty and terribly inappropriate (I had to come up with a headline earlier this week for an article about people who were fed up with loud train whistles. I was seriously considering "Train whistles blow: residents.")

2) Song lyrics.

Imagine my surprise and complete devastation when a story gets tossed in my lap combining rock & roll with her long-time adversary/secret-lover, money, on top of which I'm told to do whatever I want with the headline, and I can't think of a single, witty, fun thing.

I ended up calling it "Canada's largest office party."

They say confession is good for the soul, but typing that a second time made me feel much worse.

So... To somehow redeem myself, or at least to take my mind off my own suffering, I'm going to change gears and share the top three things I found online while scanning for "news" for 8 hours today.

The good...

I feel for this guy. Sometimes I wish I could do the same thing. But I don't think I'm worth nearly as much. I may actually have to end up paying other people to take it off my hands. Godspeed, Ian Usher.

The bad...

My absolute favourite part is the very last sentence.

The ugly...

Before you get too involved in the site, let me explain. I randomly found this site and it's inspired me to start a new category of links here. The site can be a bit slow, but the work is amazing and so far I'm especially fond of Michael Hussar's paintings. But boy, it sure can fit my category of ugly.

Bureaucracy (from Thunder Bay with love)...

2008-02-26T00:06:00.004-05:00

Today, on my vacation in "beautiful" Thunder Bay, I saw most of Peter McKay's speech to the House preceding the debate on extending Canada's mission in Afghanistan.

Though I didn't watch his entire speech (I'm on vacation here), I was touched by his words and his story about the young Afghani girl clutching her colourful backback filled with school supplies by a Canadian child who didn't know her.

And tonight, I remember a cab driver from here in Thunder Bay who I met three years ago while I studied at Lakehead University.

According to him, when Port Arthur and Fort William amalgamated into Thunder Bay, there was a vote for the name of the new city, and it came down to one word: "the."

You see, when Fort William and Port Arthur voted for the new name of their city there were two choices: Thunder Bay, or Lakehead. But the bureaucrats who were biding for the name Thunder Bay gave one more option: The Lakehead.

Smart move on their part. This one word split the vote and Thunder Bay - the name that most people didn't want - became a city.

Bureaucrats make a living with words, not actions. So with that, I congratulate Peter McKay on his wonderful and heart-warming speech about the Afghani plight and our brave, legendary soldiers trying to make a difference in the world (or more likely, a buck.)

But I urge Canadians to look past the words of one man and look at the numbers of the situation.

No, we shouldn't leave Afghanistan. We're there now and we have an obligation to see the war through whether it was a mistake or not. Canada's tenacity and reputation depend on this and despite the debatable reasons for going in we need to stand firm.

We can't fight this war alone. We need help from foreign allies as well as the Afghani people. Reform will never work in a country that doesn't appreciate it. This is the only thing that can hinder Canada's progress in Afghanistan.

This war will go past 2011 no matter what people on the hill predict or say. In one form or another, Canadians will be in Afghanistan for a very long time and we have to accept that. These might be the roughest of times for this generation of our military but unless some great uprising starts and Afghanistan becomes too dangerous for even the hardest militant, we're a long way off from seeing the last Canadian boy or girl step foot on the last chopper out.

Finally, we need to decide if this mission is even about Canada. Did we invade Afghanistan because we're afraid of the Taliban and want to destroy them or are we there to liberate it's people from fascist, religious extremists?

We can do both, but the bureaucrats who represent us can't hold virtue in one hand and vengeance in the other.

Don't listen to Peter McKay or any other politician. Don't listen to people who get emotional about the situation because they had a friend or family member die for something that we might have no business involving ourselves in. Don't listen to me.

Look at the numbers.

Tell people what you think.

Philosophize...

2008-02-20T10:47:00.002-05:00

In Journalism class yesterday, our teacher decided to get all philosophical on us. It was rather refreshing. And now for your academic pleasure and curiosity; my notes as copied from the board:

Morality and the role of journalism:

- Information is power.
- Truth and power seldom co-exist.
- Comfort the afflicted & afflict the comfortable.
- Shed light on darkness: Argentina, Pakistan, Russia, China.
- Choice of story/story angle is a moral/political decision.
- Consolidation of media = fewer voices crying in the wilderness.
- Truth implies devotion to individuals rather than causes/collectives/governments/interests.

Your duty:

- Fair and accurate: both sides.
- Honesty with sources/editors/employers.
- Fearlessness/courage.
- Dig deep.
- Don't allow yourself to become co-opted.
- Be true to yourself; fight for your principles.
- Acts of commission/omission.

This whole part of the lecture/discussion was proceeded with the question, "What do you want to die for?"

It's a valid question for those of us who really want to make a difference in the world. According to the Press Freedom Barometer - 2008 on the Reporters Without Borders website, 5 journalists this year felt their story was worth more than their lives. 129 more are imprisoned along with 63 "cyberdissidents" and seven media assistants.

I don't know if those stats make me proud to live in Canada or confirm that western journalists tend to become lazy, trite and safe compared to the rest of the world.

Don't dream it's over...

2008-02-11T22:48:00.001-05:00

The ridiculousness of the "war on terror" is equaled only by the amazing fact people are losing this fictional war in their own heads.

Bringing a bottle of cologne on a plane is suspicious; fine.

Multiple specialized identification are required at borders; sure.

But evacuating an oil rig because a 23 year old girl recounted a dream about a bomb is downright scary.

If the girl were to have a dream that Abe Lincoln came to her and told her to run for president, would her co-workers vote for her? No. But a dream about a bomb on the deck of the rig suddenly hits home because the idea that it could happen at any time is fully seeded in the minds of the public.

Our western world is so terrified of everything lately. In those moments between work and rest there's a thought rattling around, seemingly confirming the existence of monsters under the bed. The truly funny part is the monster isn't under the bed at all, it's in the minds of the public. Which doesn't make it any more real, but does make it much more dangerous.

This war on terror has become so embedded in people's heads they're becoming superstitious of each other's mental monsters. What started as one person's dream became the wide-spread fear of premonition. A dream became a story which then became a rumour and suddenly the military is involved, trying to find this poor girl's Id in the form of an explosive device.

All they found was a monster under the bed.

And on top of it all she gets brought in for questioning because of her dreams.

The public has to learn to keep their irrationalities in check. Yes, working on an oil rig is probably boring as hell. So is an office. Or an industrial plant. Or anywhere else for that matter.

Turning your brain off to make a tedious, eight hour shift more manageable is understandable. But remember to turn the damn thing back ON every now and then.

Because the monster in your head is just like every other monster; it loves the dark.

Rowling in the dough...

2008-01-14T19:26:00.000-05:00

J.K. Rowling is suing a publisher for trying to print a Harry Potter lexicon without her permission. I would be a little pissed off too if I were worth a billion dollars and someone was trying to cash in on my only good idea.

And even though Rowling has no actual chance of winning the suit, she's going to fight the good fight anyway because she was planning to write her own Harry Potter encyclopedia. Even though she encouraged the fan-created website which spawned the idea for the soon-to-be-published lexicon.

I guess it's okay to contribute to the Harry Potter universe as long as you're not getting paid for it.

And what's not to like about it?

An epic story of a young boy with glasses and a scar on his head from England, destined to be the greatest magician the world has ever known. And with his trusty pet owl, Tim Hunter will escape his family troubles and leave his ordinary life behind in search of a grand destiny.

Tim Hunter? Sorry, I mean Harry Potter.

I get confused sometimes. See, the same year the idea for Harry Potter suddenly (magically?) formed in Rowling's mind, there was a brand new comic called The Books of Magic on the shelves. And as you can see, it's hard to get the two plots confused.

Ah well, my mistake.

Anyway it must really suck to have someone take your idea, make money off of it and get away scott-free.

You know, I really hope J.K. stands for "JUST KIDDING!" because this whole lawsuit situation is laughable.

Picture this...

2008-01-11T23:54:00.001-05:00

The bidding is officially open to cities across Canada and the National Portrait Gallery could be coming to a city near you.

And apparently the City of Ottawa is pretty pissed off.

A few city councilors in Ottawa seem to think that our capital has cornered the market on national institutions and have called for other cities to boycott bidding on the gallery even though the federal government decided to let them duke it out between themselves.

Well... bicker it out would be more accurate.

In the red corner...
The Dynamic Duo.
The Wallet of the Country and the Centre of the Universe;
Ottawa - defending its supposed birthright of national heritage - and her newest ally in supporting the boycott; Toronto (who really just wanted to jump on a bandwagon/fight a cause/talk, and hell, doesn't have the space for another gallery anyway, and really? Portraits? Pfft...)

In the blue corner...
The Challengers.
The Fabulous Five;
Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Montreal and Halifax are ready to stand up to the Ontarian powerhouses and make a grab for Canada's newest gem.

Only one can come out on top and walk away with all of Canada's portraits valued at an estimated grand total of $WHO-GIVES-A-SHIT^.00.

You know, maybe Ottawa could take the millions of dollars it would spend on another national heritage institution and invest it in the artists who are still alive and trying to make a living in this city.

Hate and humanity...

2008-01-09T12:12:00.001-05:00

Henry Rollins once told me via YouTube that I had to find my ember of rage and use it for civil good. He, like myself, believes that hate and rage can benefit humanity when used as a motivator for what you believe in.

I believe in hate and all the good that can come from it.

But in order to utilize hate for the right cause depends on a matter of perspective which I feel many people don't have for various reasons.

It comes down to a matter of people versus humans, and there's a huge difference between the two.

Being a good person doesn't necessarily mean you're a good human. The perspective of a single person has a tendency to be obtuse. We all know people who are the centre of their own universe where nothing outside their sphere of influence (or perspective) matters. They can be a good person, or a bad person. But they are usually very bad humans.

Genghis Kahn could be deemed a bad person based on his track record of violence, but take into account the fact that he was uniting people and building a society rich in culture and religion. He would stop his subjects randomly in the streets to discuss philosophy and he treated them well.

Taking into consideration his ruthless military tactics, Genghis may have been a bad person, but he was a great human because believed in a world that was bigger than himself.

A good human has a sense of community and empathy for those around him. And though they don't always make the right decisions, they learn from their mistakes.

Good humans don't live in their tiny little bubbles, oblivious to the needs and functions of the world around them; because good humans understand that their actions and their decisions affect that world outside in ways that have the potential to be uplifting and beautiful, or absolutely catastrophic.

I love good humans. But I hate people; with all their shortsightedness, ignorance, stagnation, and complete disregard for a world that's larger than themselves.

Poke your head outside your tiny little bubble and see just how insignificant you really are.

Checkup...

2007-12-21T20:48:00.000-05:00

"How tall are you and how much do you weigh?" my doctor asked me as he pulled a ratty paper disk out of his white coat.

"Six-one, six-two? Two-sixty last I checked about a year ago."

"Hmm..." He's sporting a goatee now which makes him look a lot like Peter Gabriel. This comforts me.

"Is that a BMI chart?"

My doc looks at me out the corner of his eye, "... Yup."

"I don't trust those things."

I'm not a fat guy. I'm a big guy.

There was a documentary on Discovery years ago about Roman gladiators. One part of the program described a gladiator's diet which consisted of mostly broth, wheat and barley and the occasional meat.

The common Hollywoodized perception of a gladiator was shown on the left side of the screen:

A still shot of Russel Crowe; rippling muscles glistening with sweat and blood, his sword and shield triumphantly raised, standing in the middle of the Colosseum and roaring behind his scary, customized helmet.

On the right was a composite sketch of what anthropologists and historians agreed a gladiator would really look like:

Me.
Shirtless.
Wooden shield in one hand.
Chewed-up sword in the other.
Looking VERY unimpressed with the artist.

I felt proud to be a genetic throwback. My body was designed for two things; extreme physical labour and brutally killing other people in combat. I'm a front-line farmer. "45th generation Roman."

A thousand years ago I'd have been a celebrity. Rich, young, noble-women would have paid my manager good money for me to "entertain" them.

Today, Dr. Gabriel is telling me that I'm between level I and level II obesity.

"It's not the most technical device," he said, holding up his little, paper, fat-calculator. "But it gives me a rough idea."

He slid the disk around.

"If I take your height and put it at a healthy weight, according to the BMI, you should weigh 180 lbs."

"Doc, if I ever weigh 180 lbs, I'll be right back here talking to you."

"Yup. And we'll get that tapeworm out of you ASAP."

Franco-fascism...

2007-12-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

Are we in Canada anymore?

Wait... I forgot. Quebec isn't a part of Canada now, it's a nation within a nation. But if Quebec starts a kind of cultural cleansing, would Canada intervene?

Well, if you ask me, we better keep an eye open.

I think Gilles Duceppe is losing it and unless you're a Catholic francophone, your rights in Quebec might be getting trampled.

According to the Montreal Gazette, the Bloc wants to restrict non-Catholic clothing and symbols and is hinting that if you're an immigrant who doesn't speak french, you might not be eligible to vote.

"We shouldn't turn ourselves into the Taliban and demolish all the buddhas of Quebec," said Duceppe. "We're not going to stop listening to Mozart's Requiem because it was written for a mass. All that is part of the heritage of humanity and of Quebec."

I'm not seeing very much humanity here. I might be out of my head, but I'm seeing the beginning of something else;

fas·cism [fash-iz-uhm]:

A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism.

Here's the full article from the Gazette.

Powder keg...

2007-12-05T00:57:00.000-05:00

John Wisely, a staff writer for the Detroit Free Press wrote a pretty scary article in the Nov. 18 issue of the Free Press.

But really, how bad can it be?

Well if you haven't heard, a man named John Horn in Pasadena, Texas killed two, hispanic men with his shotgun while on the phone with a 911 operator. The internet is flooded with debate on whether he's a hero or a vigilante.

And now...

Type "black panther party john horn" into google and the first two links are a white supremacy group's site.

Is this really an issue of race, or is there a bigger picture? The States deserves to be watched very closely in the coming years.

Don't throw your junk in my backyard...

2007-11-25T13:43:00.000-05:00

Stephen Harper is either exceptionally bright or increasingly stupid when it comes to pollution.

Climate change is this century's witch-hunt. The majority of the population wants to see some results in the environmental department and Harper has decided not to step up to the plate unless he's got the global team backing him.

“We will not agree to a framework that binds some countries and not others because that is a recipe for failure on the issue of climate change. We already have a protocol like that and it doesn't work. We need a protocol that involves everyone.”

So either Stevey doesn't really want to see any change in carbon emissions and he's just looking out for Canada's corporate interests. Or he's made a smart move by not putting Canada out on a limb by itself.

I offer a third option...

Canada wants to become more eco-friendly. Everywhere I turn there's reports of global warming, fear about oil prices and talk of how Alberta is going to turn into a wasteland.

If Stevey likes to strongarm other commonwealth countries to join the cause, we should start cleaning up our own backyard while he's speaking and show the world that it's not so scary. It's hard work, but with the right attitude and a little ambition Canada can come out clean.

Why not become a global trend-setter while at the same time putting pressure on countries like India to become more green?

There's no reason Harper can't get what he wants while giving Canadians what they need.

And why is our PM more concerned about India than Canada?

Triage trauma...

2007-11-13T06:18:00.001-05:00

At around 12:30am today, my gallbladder decided to tell me something was wrong. It was very vocal.

It kind of triggered a series of events inside me that I'm not going to get into. What's important to know is that it was the worst pain I'd ever suffered. Even worse than when I scraped off half of my face in a bicycling accident as a kid.

By the time I'd vacated my stomach several times I'd realized the pain was only getting worse, so I went to the hospital.

I was too busy trying to get help to see the sign telling me that the average wait would be six hours.

In my severely pained state I lurched around the waiting room. Not knowing what was wrong with me I would sit and groan, clutching my guts. I've never experienced pain like that and no one was helping me.

A triage nurse let me have my own room to lie down in the dark and I would listen to the nurses joke and discuss daily events while I sat there, lay there or staggered around the room in a delerious state.

By my vague calculations, it was seven hours before I saw a doctor who gave me morphine which lasted a good 30 minutes before the groaning started back up again.

SEVEN HOURS of passing out from pain only to wake up realizing that it was ME making those horrible noises while triage nurses shot the shit by the water cooler.

It was about another seven hours until I got out of there, feeling somewhat better, but still very sore. And that was after the nurse admitted she forgot about me and the doctor telling me he was wondering where I was.

14 hours total. Seven of which I was in agony.

I guess people don't really know how bad our health care is until they experience the worst of it.

Manly man...

2007-11-10T17:43:00.001-05:00

The cultural studies section of Chapters always lures me in. It's my favourite section and I always find something I want. But I'm always disappointed by their gender studies area.

Women's studies is first (don't read too much into that. I'm not complaining about which gender's section is more prominently displayed) and there are all sorts of books that empower, educate, study and basically revolve around women. And why shouldn't there be? It's what the section is there for. So big ups to women. Rah rah rah.

Right before the gay & lesbian shelf is male studies. (Don't read too much into that, either. I'm not homophobic and I'm glad there's a GLBT section in major bookstores. Rah rah rah.)

What worried me is that the male studies section had a total of three titles on it's single shelf. Spreading Mysandry, Legalizing Misandry, (misandry being defined as "the hatred of men") and taking up a whole two-thirds of the male section was a book called The Game - Penetrating the secret society of pickup artists, by Neil Strauss.

Two things immediately struck me about this book:

The clever use of the word "penetrating" on the cover of a book about guys getting laid,

And the fact that The Game is designed to look like a bible, gold foiled pages and all.

I suppose if I were 16 again, I would consider that book a sort of Holy Grail. I'd read it religiously trying to figure women out when really, it's best to just figure yourself out and look out to the world instead of trying to figure out what the world sees when it looks back in at you.

So, according to Chapters, men only care about getting laid and they are also very hated.

Just because women are regarded as being more "complicated" than men (whatever that means) doesn't mean we wouldn't like to see a few books helping to explain us to ourselves. Where do men turn to when we have questions about what it means to be a man?

Am I a man just for having a dick? Or is it something else entirely? I want to know more thoughts about masculinity from both men and women. I'd like to know what masculinity means to a gay man, or listen an old man debating masculinity with a young man.

What about a black man, or a Japanese man? Do they have radically different views on masculinity?

Why are men on TV consistently portrayed as blundering idiots? And who creates a word like misandry to describe the hatred for an entire gender?

Either I wasn't looking hard enough for male-culture books, or Chapters is showing me that equal rights has to be earned by both sides.

Dear Stephane Dion...

2007-11-02T21:47:00.000-04:00

Every time I see you, it looks like you're either going to cry or apologize.

I know, it's because of us media people always giving you flak. But come on, it's not entirely our fault. Politics are so boring sometimes. Especially when the leader of the opposition doesn't really do a good job of opposing. Or leading for that matter.

You're getting shot at from every angle and it must really suck.

But don't worry. I've come up with an ingenious plan.

For the small payment of my OSAP loan, I will let you punch me in the face in a media scrum on Parliament Hill.

Just hear me out, Steph. Can I call you Steph?

Listen Stephy,

This works on so many levels. First off, I need the money. OSAP's a bitch, and you could really show some support for students by punching me in the face. Maybe not on the level you think, but really, it works out.

Also, this can show Canadians that you're not the pussy they think you are. For one shining moment you can prove that you're a man, and you're not afraid of a little confrontation. I'm pretty sure I'm a lot bigger than you and this would make the Tories think twice the next time they joke about you in front of the nation.

Plus, this would put you up there with other great liberal reporter bashers like Chretien and, dare I say it, Trudeau. It could be your shining and defining moment!

I bet you'd even really LIKE to punch out a reporter too. What politician wouldn't from time to time? I know I would, and I'm one of them. No one will blame you, especially if I ask a ridiculously infuriating question, like; "Who makes you feel prettier when you're biting a pillow, Harper or Layton?" And then, *POW!* Right in the chops.

As my part of the bargain, I promise not to duck or retaliate from ONE punch to anywhere on my face of your choosing. I will also collapse into a pile on the floor of Parliament and do my best to either cry, pass out or run away in terror. We can also try cutting Chretien himself in on this to hold you back for effect.

You'd need to commit on this though. You can't punch me and then start whimpering. A string of curses en francais would be fantastic. Hell, for a few extra bucks you can spit on me!

All I'm asking is for you to think about punching me in the face, because if you don't, everyone else will be slapping yours for the rest of your career.

Hallowe'en has an apostrophe...

2007-10-31T18:47:00.000-04:00

I don't care how newspapers and magazines are printing it. It's "Hallowe'en."

Not only has the beloved apostrophe been taken from me, but basically my entire Hallowe'en has been lost to work this year.

I haven't seen a horror movie in months. I have no costume. I don't even have any of that shitty candy-corn.

Right now I'm getting ready to work my second job, bouncing at the campus pub where there's already been 200 tickets sold to a Public Relations Hallowe'en pubnight (or as proper journalists would print; "Halloween pub night." But what do they know.)

So instead of dressing up, scaring my friends, hanging out and having a few drinks while watching horror movies this year, I'm going to be trying to figure out if an idiot dressed up as a douchey McLovin' and a slutty Hermione are having too much to drink.

Hallowe'en is supposed to be a time where you can cut loose and be something you've never dared to be, or secretly desire to be. To have some fun getting scared and silly. Although every year things seem to be getting more silly than scary.

An outfit from the Adult Superstore isn't a costume. It's a prop for the bedroom. Please don't wear it out tonight unless you're secret desire is to get treated like a whore.

I have a go big or go home philosophy for Hallowe'en. So please be creative. And just because you're dressed up like Hunter S. Thompson (wait, sorry... Johnny Depp from Fear and Loathing), doesn't mean you can drink like him. I don't want to have to deal with puke tonight.

My favourite holiday and all I can do is watch it roll past.

What a gip.

Who are you...

2007-10-26T12:32:00.000-04:00

I had an interview with the Acting Staff Sargent in charge of the Forensic Identification Section of the Ottawa PD this morning. He's like Ottawa's version of Gil Grissom.

I kind of expected what anyone else brought up on TV would expect; dim lighting, fancy technology, glass walls.

Nope. It's an office. With people dressed up like they work in an office. Doing office stuff. Probably killing time on Facebook between case reports.

That was a bit of a downer, but just being in that section talking to the head of the department about crime stuff was pretty neat.

There was even a similarity in attitude. Okay, not really. The guy I talked to didn't strike me as the kind of guy who knows everything about everything. But he was very focused and matter-0f-fact. Not cold, but certainly cool. He chuckled when I mentioned CSI.

What I'm getting at is this. Every time I think about hating "reporting" and all the stupid people I have to talk to, I get an interview that's really cool.

How many people can say they've checked out the secured offices of Ottawa PD without working there? I get to talk to interesting professionals about their work and their lives. Who else gets to do that?

I've hung out in city council chambers and offices, photographed Lex Luthor, hunted ghosts and I'm still just a student. That's a pretty cool start.

Maybe this job isn't so bad after all.

Fifteen days later...

2007-10-25T19:27:00.000-04:00

(Algonquin Times editorial. Published, October 25.)

The 2007 provincial election came and went and students couldn't care less.

It's business as usual and nobody batted an eye because few students identify with the politicians seeking their vote. It seems this is how people felt on Oct. 10.

It sounds preposterous but the apathetic mass broke a record this month, a record set 84 years ago in 1923. That's the previous date of Ontario's lowest-ever voter turnout which has now dropped by almost another two per cent to 52.8 per cent.

Generally, students stay away from voting booths. It's understood what elections mean: getting overlooked or used as bargaining chips. Students end up with higher tuition rates and more debt either way, so why bother?

Even if half of Algonquin's population voted, that leaves 7,000 other students who didn't bother to vote and it didn't change a thing. Dalton McGuinty is still in office and so is Jim Watson.

Does either one really represent the best interest of students?

But keep in mind that representing Algonquin and representing its students aren't always the same thing.

The Ontario Public Service Employees Union, of which Algonquin's full-time teachers are members, strongly endorsed a Liberal vote instead of the traditional vote for the NDP this election. OPSEU only changed its endorsement because school funding was the biggest ticket on the agenda this year.

Jim Watson boasted that the Liberals' 10 per cent tuition increase was much lower than the NDP's 50 per cent or the Conservatives 60 per cent tuition hikes in previous years. This means the Liberals robbed students of the least amount of money.

Algonquin will never get genuine political representation if teachers get more government money while students pay more.

From a riding perspective, being part of Ottawa West-Nepean also means sharing a representative with Centrepointe's seniors. It's impossible to get one person to represent the largest population of senior citizens and the largest college in Eastern Ontario simultaneously.

Add together teachers, seniors and workers, and students get lost in the mix.

Students have made the only reasonable choice available to them: nobody. Along with the four million other Ontarians who didn't vote, "Nobody" beat out the Liberal majority government by over 200 per cent.

Walk like a man...

2007-10-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

Raise the flags and sound the trumpets!

The Dalai Lama is coming to Ottawa to become an honourary Canadian citizen. (Not a real one, though.) Because, let's not forget, the Dalai Lama already has a home. A home he hasn't been to for almost 50 years, which is why he's got so many air miles.

It must be hard being the Dalai Lama. Everyone likes him. Well... almost everyone.

And what's not to like? He's the kindest, cheeriest and quite possibly the most adorable old man alive. Think of J.P. II but without Catholicism. But it's really got to piss a guy off to deal with world leaders and not be taken seriously. Do you really expect me to believe the Dalai Lama gives a single sweet shit about honourary citizenships?

Sure, it's nice to have a couch to surf while you're exiled, but that's just the point.

He already has a home.

A home he's been trying to liberate from the Chinese for decades.

It must be hard to smile and wave to a world that loves you while the people who need you most are being oppressed.

...Back HOME.

If there's one thing the Dalai Lama is known for, its patience. But every man (including Mr. Tenzin Gyatso) has his limits. Inside that cheery old man is a tiger crouching in the grass. Somewhere.

And every time he gives a speech to rich, white politicians who don't really care about Tibet...

Every time he gets an award for peace from a world constantly at war...

Every time he's in a country that's worried about China's threats to stop trade because he's visiting, while his own people get arrested for celebrating his accomplishments... back HOME...

I suspect that tiger creeps another inch from the treeline.

When the Dalai Lama has finally taken enough bullshit from the world and decides to pounce; I'll be the first to cheer him on.

Tenzin Gyatso. Warrior Monk.

Every day is hallowe'en...

2007-10-15T20:30:00.000-04:00

Unlike most fun-loving 26-year-olds, I chose to spend my Saturday night running around a haunted jail.

A friend and I decided to go ghost hunting at a jail-turned-hostel downtown for a Hallowe'en story.

My job was to be the skeptic of the story. I was the Scully to my friend's Mulder, but that's not really the case.

I believe in ghosts though I'm not sure if I've ever seen one. The closest I think I came to seeing ghosts was in a park back home near my house one night. I've never been able to explain it, but that's not really the point.

The point is what I believed I saw.

Think of ghosts like a rorchach test, it's all about perception. If you believe you see shadows and light, then that's what it is, and your brain doesn't take it any farther than that. My brain decided to see two figures in the park that disappeared the closer I got to them.

I find I'm only scared when my imagination gets going. Probably a by-product from all those horror movies as a kid. I still love horror movies but even now if I'm in a theatre watching scary movies I revert back to a kid, crouching low in my seat, plugging my ears and diverting my eyes just enough to remind myself it's a movie screen.

I don't find many of my real-life ghost encounters terribly frightening. I wasn't scared of the two ghosts I saw in the park back then, and I wasn't afraid of ghosts when I was sneaking around the gallows and a near-pitch cell block at 3am.

The 8th floor was open to anyone with enough motivation to wander around at night. Even though death row was locked up, I spent some time outside the barred gates staring through, looking to the 4 cells at the end of the hallway where prisoners would be psychologically (and most likely physically) tortured before they were eventually killed.

I expected something to happen.

The only time I got to walk through death row was during a tour I joined up with.

The guide kept talking about the events of cell 1, the cell closest to the gallows. More important was cell 4, stuck in the middle of the cell block but kept completely segregated from everyone with two steel doors that have since been removed. It would be the last cell a prisoner sentenced to death would ever see.

Of course the tourists loved walking through cell 4 and so did I.

But I wonder if anyone was watching cell 2 like I was...

Johnny got his gun...

2007-10-10T23:56:00.000-04:00

One minute you're on top of the world with a Pepsi in one hand and a bible in the other...

The next you're jobless, confused and crying. Trading in that Pepsi for something with a little more kick, explaining to your bosses you're not completely worthless and reading the book of Job for some insight.

Don't get offended, John. It's just business. Big business to be exact. Your potential employers figured that Kathleen Wynne would be the better employee. But I guess it was bad luck that you were up against an education minister, considering... well... you know.

But I wouldn't start worrying about Don Valley West if I were you. I'd be worried what your other employers are thinking right now.

No, not the private schools...

That's right. THOSE employers.

It doesn't look good, Johnny-Boy, I'm not going to lie to you. But don't worry. I'm sure there's a spot for you out there somewhere.

HEY! Have you ever thought of running for Mayor somewhere? Oh... nevermind.

Vote...

2007-10-10T11:08:00.000-04:00

Go out today and VOTE.

I don't care if you vote Tory or Grit or Green or NDP or Independent.

I don't care if you vote YES or NO on the referendum.

I don't care if you scratch out every other name on the ballot and put your own.

I don't care if you vote for Daffy Duck.

If you're against voting, ANNOUNCE it today.

If your friends haven't voted, tell them to get out there.

Make sure YOU get out there!

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

It's not easy being green...

2007-09-23T14:08:00.001-04:00

The green party gets a lot of flack. Sometimes, it's even from themselves.

Martin Hyde is my riding's Green Party candidate and I already know that I'm not going to vote for him. Not because I think that he doesn't have a chance in hell of winning or that I don't like the Green Party, but because he's already convinced himself that he won't win.

"While I stand little chance of winning a seat in this election, that isn’t stopping me from running Green."

This defeatist mentality is not a very good way to inspire confidence in a population. Especially when you're trying to get them to like you.

When I first looked at his website, Hyde had written something to the extent of "I'm not a political person..." Why in the world would anyone then enter politics?

He might say that he's in it to support his party. More likely he'd say that he's in it to make the world a better place. But the real reason he's running for the Green Party is because, hell... someone's got to. Why not Martin Hyde?

This lame attitude of running a local campaign by promoting a federal party's entire platform is not the way things should work. If I vote for a Green representative, I don't want him to think of Kyoto. I want him to tell me what he will do to make my neighbourhood more green and what we as individual citizens can do to help out based on the party platform.

I want my representative to be involved in my community and not be just another hack.

I want a person who's ultimate reason for running is more than just a shrug and a sigh.

"[Martin Hyde] is running in this election so that those in his riding who are concerned about environmental issues have a Green candidate to vote for. Currently in Ontario, because we are not able to vote directly for a party but are only able to do so by voting for a local candidate, a party must run a candidate in every riding if all voters across the province are to be heard."

So please, just throw me whoever works for you, Green Party. It doesn't matter if they give a fuck or not. They stand little chance of winning anyway, right?

Clearer answers...

2007-09-22T03:17:00.000-04:00

Things are never explained as good as they should be. Especially when it's a politician trying to explain it. Hope this helps people to make a decision.

Wherefore art thou, Lynn Hamilton...

2007-09-14T15:37:00.001-04:00

I'm disappointed in you, Lynn.

You said you'd give the other candidates a "run for their money." But you're late for the race! I know, I know. It was a hell of a party, wasn't it. You need some time to recuperate from all that celebrating. But this great team you put together can't make a basic website?

I don't need anything fancy, Lynn.

No one cares to watch you mingle with kids and old folks to sway a vote. Or try to bash anybody. I just want to know what you're about. What makes you tick. And why I should give a shit that you're running (or napping, whichever.)

Don't get me wrong, Lynn. I grew up on the NDP. I've voted NDP a few times. And I have a soft spot in my heart for Jackie-Boy's cute little mustache. I won't ignore the NDP like most people will. I appreciate you.

But they'll keep ignoring you if you don't start moving your ass!

I had the hardest time tracking you down. Are you avoiding me? The NDP homepage had no contact info for you and I was forced to contact some stranger to get your e-mail address. To think, Lynn. A stranger at NDP HQ is between us. This shouldn't be happening.

He told me you were busy setting up your campaign office. You don't have to clean house for me, Lynn. I don't need a red carpet. I just want to know what matters to you. Maybe those same things will matter to me too.

We don't have long, Lynn. Less than a month before I have to choose who I'm taking to the prom and I'm narrowing it down.

Don't let me down.

Daydreaming...

2007-09-02T18:20:00.000-04:00

One of my favourite fantasies as a kid was to think about waking up and finding no one else on Earth. I could do anything I wanted, and even though it was a scary dream (and a little morbid in retrospect) I never thought about the dangers of living in a world alone. Never thought about how I would survive. I'd just wander around watching vines grow over neighbourhoods and read and hang out.

Alan Weisman has released a book called The World Without Us which explores just this idea. What if people disappeared spontaneously, leaving everything behind? I find the basics of this idea fascinating and a little bit solemn. But I'm glad to see my fantasy is still alive and well for some people.

The scarier dream for me was the bomb, but that was more of a distant reality. I grew up afraid of the bomb because my mother was afraid of it too. She would tell me the story of the time she was in Florida with my grandfather when the Cuban Missile Crisis started. They were trying to get back to Canada as fast as they could and she watched the pleasant, rolling hills along the American highway slide open revealing the military silos and their nuclear payloads.

I think that's when the bomb became real for my mother.

It became real for me when the front page of the Windsor Star printed a map from a declassified government document created during the Cold War. It showed what could happen if Detroit (which I knew was a nuclear target) were bombed in two situations. One, a nuclear explosion of a relatively high yield. The other situation was a bombing by three tactical nukes of lower yield.

I believe that if I were at home during the large nuclear strike, I would have had a 40% chance of survival. Well, as long as I didn't burn to death, suffocate, starve or shit my liver out. If I were downtown during a strike I'd likely die instantly. ("Instantly" was used rather vaguely, it sounded more like a goal than a likelihood).

The reason why these are both so drilled into my head is that the reality of the bomb killed my fantasy of a humanless Earth.

I remember hearing a story years ago about what would happen to the planet if people just disappeared, and it became apparent that we're here to stay. At least for the time being.

Inside a United States government installation is a key (at least there used to be). And this key wasn't turned to launch the bombs, it was turned to stop them from launching. Every 12 or 24 hours, this key had to be turned.

The way it worked was that if the Soviets, or anyone else bombed the states to the point where no one was alive (or at least alive enough to give the order to turn the key), then the rockets would launch on their own, destroying the Soviets. If someone were alive to turn the key, then there was still peace.

If people suddenly disappeared, then every country with nuclear capabilities could potentially release their payloads simultaneously. It was estimated that within a week of humanity's departure, all the oceans would be vaporized and the Earth would be a molten, bubbling lava pit.

We can't leave this planet, Mr. Weisman.

We're holding it hostage.

Motor city blues...

2007-08-28T21:38:00.001-04:00

I recently just returned from a trip back home to Windsor, Ontario and I have a new game for anyone visiting my home town.

Find one residential street which doesn't have a house for sale somewhere on it.

If people find this game too difficult they can change the rules a bit like I had to and find a single block on a street which doesn't have a house for sale.

Windsor is a blue-collar town. It survives by the Big Three (GM, Chrysler and Ford) and we all know how well North American car makers are doing. The huge auto industry supports tool & die shops, feeder plants and trucking companies. Windsor makes parts for cars, quality controls those parts and assembles them all together so that everything is ready to drive right out the door.

Windsor has always been running on three-shift cycles. Keeping the minivans and cars rolling out the door 24/7. Everyone knows what a swing shift is. Everyone has a parent or uncle on the line. Everyone knows what TPT means and if it described you and you were young, you were the envy of all your friends.

Going to high school at Walkerville, everyone knew that you had to burn rubber home after school. It was essential to beat GM's shift change whistle and avoid the daily parade of greasy workers, lazily moseying towards the parking lot on the other side of Kildare.

I never realised how bad it was until I returned home.

Everyone has their own theories for why North America's auto industry is failing;

The unions.

Some line workers make the same wage as a good (or bad) mechanic and lots of people who don't work directly for the Big Three feel that the unions became too powerful and greedy. Working at a plant meant great benefits and very good money, if you could put up with the work.

The unions also became very lax. There's always stories of guys on the line being drunk or stoned or asleep on the job. Workers getting a dozen verbal warnings about substance abuse on the job but never getting written reprimands. For a union worker to get fired he has to kill someone while on the clock. And it would have to be another union worker on a higher rung of the ladder.

The city.

Ever since 9/11 the border to Detroit has been swamped. There's been big money dumped into plans of dumping bigger money into a new border corridor designed to help the industry and in true Windsor fashion, it's going nowhere quick.

Windsor has a history of making terrific, eventual promises with the worst plans ever.

Product.

It all comes down to putting out a product and Windsor is getting it's ass kicked in every direction. Products are manufactured terribly for the $30+/hour the Big Three are paying to get them made. This bumps up the price for the finished product and no one wants to pay $20,000 for a Vibe when they can get a Kia Rio for under 14k.

The CAW and workers have to get off their high horses and make some sacrifices that should have been made decades ago. City officials have got to get off their asses to help the people that elected them and act more like the leaders they're supposed to be.

Windsor doesn't have to die. But a minivan won't save it this time and Windsor will never be like it was when I was a kid.

At least the thousands of laid off workers that don't move to Calgary can stay busy by trying to keep Hiram Walker's in business.

Nostalgia is just feeling homesick when you're already home.

Fucking hippies...

2007-08-10T15:12:00.001-04:00

I don't hate all hippies. But I certainly hate the one's that smoke pot all day, hold drum circles in the rain, and preach about how we should never cut down a single tree again. Ever.

They're wrong and ignorant, and no amount Ben Harper or John Lennon listening is going to change things.

I haven't always hated hippies. I blame Thunder Bay for that. Lakehead University, where I spent two years has what I would call a large, hippie population. Hardcore hippies are some of the most useless people on Earth. With all their talk of bettering the environment they sure waste a lot. Animal rights are great as long as they can keep wearing leather sandals and wool socks in the winter.

I made up my mind on hippies when I talked to a hardcore hippie who was proudly sporting a genuine tiger's tooth as a necklace. Then she ran into the woods barefoot to squish her toes in the mud. Way to go, eco-warrior.

This video on The Hour, shows a new type of filthy hippie; the "Freegan". A freegan is a person who eats trash. The freegan slogan is "We won't buy your crap, but we'll eat your scrap."

All disgust aside for a moment, freegans could bring a lot of awareness to the issue that people toss away decent food all the time. As Hillary Doyle says, "You'd be shocked by the good stuff that is thrown out in people's trash."

But in true hippie fashion, they don't eat garbage to prove a point, they do it because it's a perverted form of ego-masturbation.

Want to be a freegan? Why not GROW your own food? Even better, start a city community of back-yard farmers and trade. It might work better for community awareness instead of half-assing it and scavenging. Hippies can be so short-sighted.

This Toronto couple, also on The Hour, has a much more reasonable approach to being eco-friendly and they don't seem interested in just saving a buck for pot and video games. Sarah McGaughey's interest in integrating more in their community is commendable and Kyle Glover's opening comment was very realistic and frightening.

Frightening because if we were all forced to throw our garbage in our own backyards, we'd probably have pot-head freegans hopping our fences, starting drum circles and eating our perfectly good trash.

Goddam hippies!

Gandhi was a jerk...

2007-07-30T02:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, maybe he wasn't. I happen to really like Gandhi too. Who doesn't? But Mahatma was far from perfect, so here's a little story...

Ghandi's wife died of pneumonia. Before she died, everyone (including their son) was begging Gandhi to let her use penicillin to combat the infection but he refused to allow it. Said it was up to God to do with her life what he will.

Eventually she died from the pneumonia and Gandhi said that God was testing him.

That's not what makes him a jerk though.

What makes him a jerk is that later, Gandhi himself contacted malaria. He suffered for a few weeks stating again that his life was in God's hands and refused treatment.

But praying didn't fight the disease which I guess changed his mind and he started the treatment. In a little while, he was all better.

Even great humans are still only human.

Choirgirl whore-tell...

2007-07-28T13:02:00.000-04:00

(reposted)
Never thought I'd see the day when a rapper would get in trouble for a lewd sex act. And apparently he has previous convictions? You don't say!

Rappers are some of the worst people in the world. For every song they write that makes a difference, or makes you feel some sort of tangible emotion that isn't pure hate, or every song that even has a good message you'll find a hundred more about:
money
killing
"bitches"
killing bitches
or
killing bitches for money.

Or worse, they'll write about themselves.

But for once I have to side with the rapper here.

Akon was in Tobago doing a gig when he "simulated rape" with a 15 year old girl from the audience.

Horrible! What was a 15 year old daughter of a minister doing at an 18+ rap show? In my opinion, she was probably being the 15 year old daughter of a minister. She won an on-stage dance competition and I bet she didn't sing choir songs.

What's more likely?

A) That Akon is a sick pedophile who "simulated rape" with a 15 year old minister's daughter because it's how he gets his kicks? (At least he didn't piss on her!)

or

B) That this girl snuck in to a club she wasn't supposed to go to. Danced how fun-loving Carribean club goers dance. Enjoyed cutting loose. Got a little too much attention and when all that landed her in the paper the next day, decided to repent to Father Dad about the vicious, sinful lure of rap music in order to try to protect her image as a wholesome, lovely, young minister's daughter. (Who just so happens to be the hottest 15 year old in Tobago who goes to rap concerts dressed up a lot older than she should and enters dance competitions on stage).

"I will learn from this experience for sure. This week was the worst week of my life."

I'd love to hear what she would say to her friends if this never hit papers.

"BEST... NITE... EVR!"

Tug of war...

2007-07-24T03:12:00.001-04:00

(reposted)

This is the 2nd part of a Michael Moore interview which took place recently on CNN. I enjoy watching Michael Moore because I think he has good points, but he's blatantly biased. In this interview, he basically admits it, but has a good, quick excuse for it.

He accuses the Bush administration of fear mongering all the time, and he's right, but what about himself? Moore pulls on heart-strings just as hard as Bush plays off fear. Does Moore try to just make strong points, or does he try to manipulate the public into doing what he considers to be the "right thing"?

A fine line...

2007-07-22T18:51:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I feel about this.

I guess the reason why I don't know how to feel is because... well... I'm white. White people aren't allowed to get involved in "urban culture". Only sometimes, and only so far in.

There are sites claiming that this is a public service announcement which is airing on BET. I don't doubt BET would air it, but I was immediately startled by the idea that this might in fact be a genuine PSA, probably aimed at America's black youth.

BET is joking right? I went to the BET website and was immediately greeted by a banner ad for Kentucky Fried Chicken. After which I swiftly exited the BET website.

Not because I thought it was a cheap, racist ad. But because I can't stand KFC.

At the end of the video is a link to notarapper.com, the website of D'mite, the man apparently responsible for the vocals on the PSA video and found no reference to the video. His music is intelligent though a little bland and he does seem to have a distinct sense of humour about hip-hop culture. Even if he was trying to make a powerful statement or shock-joke with the Read-A-Book video, I still feel uneasy about it.

For a while now western society has been sharing racial humour and stirring up the black and white into a beautiful shade of gray. Chappelle's Show comes to mind. Rick James and Tyrone aside, he made it acceptable for everyone to laugh at the black, white supremacist and the white family named 'Niggar'.

South Park made a huge leap of faith when Stan's dad guessed wrong on Wheel of Fortune. And in the end, the episode made a hilarious point about racial issues in America and Stan realized that white people only "get it" when they can admit they'll never "get it." (And that Cartman is indeed stronger than a midget.)

The Boondocks is another brilliant comedy show with a powerful racial message that criticizes both black and white culture. But the Boondocks creator Aaron McGrudder got flack from the press because his main character had a dream of what MLK jr. would say if he were alive today.

So far, I haven't seen any response to the alleged PSA.

Maybe the BET video WAS a joke and the white boy didn't "get it." It's possible. But I think I'm starting to. It's a caricature of black people. Remember the days when being a black comedian meant using shoe polish to make skin blacker? This made the whites of the eyes and teeth exaggerated. Putting red lipstick on to give that foolish clown look and exaggerating the lips. Using slang like "lawsy me!" and "Yess'm!" and dancing around on stage to ragtime?

THAT was a caricature also. It was racist and disgusting and no self-respecting black man would ever dress up like that.

...Except maybe a cartoon.

So I guess this white boy finally knows how he feels. I feel disgusted as a human being to be led to believe that this is a public service to black people in America. I'm concerned that it was made by black artists for a black audience. And I'm VERY pissed off that no one else seems to be talking about this.

Then again... maybe I'm supposed to feel this way.

Do something crazy...

2007-07-22T04:35:00.000-04:00

(reposted)
I like extremists.

For most of this decade that word has been thrown around a lot. Usually negatively. And you know what? Extremism can be a very negative thing. Extremists are people who take a point of view that’s usually so one-sided that it distorts reason. They push limits.

Blowing up ancient Buddhist statues in Afghanistan because you’re Muslim is pretty extreme.

Tying a man up in chains and dragging him behind your Rebel Yell pickup truck until he’s in pieces because he’s black is extreme.

Staring down a row of tanks, armed with nothing more than a briefcase in order to make a point is extreme.

Stalin was extreme.

So why do I like people like this? Because without them, we would all be ignorant, placid and have no idea what is important to us. It takes extreme people to reinforce our personal values, and hopefully, we act on those emotions in positive ways.

Bill O’Reilly is an extremist. He’s a pompous jackass who thinks his opinion is the only valid point of view anyone can have. I hate him and most of what he says. But I love to watch him, and I think it’s a good thing he’s on TV and very appropriate that he’s on Fox.

David Suzuki is an extremist. He berates any media that questions him directly and won’t stop until he scares the world into his vision of a reasonable utopia. I love him and agree with most of what he says. But that doesn’t mean he’s always right or reasonable.

For good or bad, extremists show the rest of the world what we COULD be. They provoke us into thinking for ourselves about what we feel is right and wrong. They make us ask ourselves tough and meaningful questions.

Should I donate money to starving kids in Africa even though I know they’re being forced into Christianity?

Is it really worth it to get rid of my old lightbulbs for new, energy saving ones?

Do I really care about a single word Bono says anymore?

Usually we all meet in the middle. I’d be a fool to think that the majority of Muslims believe Al Qaeda is doing good things for their culture. But Al Qaeda sure does have some vocal supporters in the Muslim community.

I feel that it’s very important for us to change our environmental track record. But give the Earth some credit; she’s a survivor.

Without extremists, we would have no great struggles and no great ideas. As crazy as they can get, we need them to provoke us into doing good, or into realizing we’ve been wrong the entire time.

I like extremists. They make me hate myself enough to change what I am.